I currently feel like there is a life that normal people have. A singular ideal. These people have enough of the good kind of lukcy/genetics , and have the prudence and self-awareness to behave in a way that doesn't put people off or make them think about it. These people are nice or cool or just unmentionable in a way that doesn't have to be outstanding, it just needs to be sufficient to not need any more concern. (More than likely, these people don't require much prudence at all, they just are themselves and it works.) Regardless, their experiences never actively deal with nuturing relationship, projecting the right image, sounding attractive, etc. (read overcoming concerning personal traits (read: obesity)). Rather, things just happen to them. They get hit on, find boy/girlfriends, enjoy themselves rather effortlessly ...
The odd thing about this, is that because it seems so normal to them, its never given a second thought. Maybe the feeling that nothing is ever normal should be an indicator that I have a distorted view of daily life. Or a distorted view of what my daily life should be like. (*note it is strange when you write a paragraph and active remark on how it never mentions the real issues in the text, only to note those issues in parentheses* freak).
In any case, I'm exhausted with being jealous of my roommate for always having people hit on him. It all seems so effortless, and he seems so nochalant about it. Although he, of course, doesn't mean to make me feel this way, I can't help but feel he's saying "can't you relate to my turning down that girl tonight? oh wait, you never get hit on." I'm such a jerk for even thinking that.
While I keep seeking out solace from people, similar or different, I realize that I'm really looking for change, and I'm not going to find that in supportive conversations.
Denial is a much too powerful a force. I should really start changing myself before I claim to be "trying"
enough time writing this ultimatly useless blog entry ... produce produce produce produce ...
-j
The odd thing about this, is that because it seems so normal to them, its never given a second thought. Maybe the feeling that nothing is ever normal should be an indicator that I have a distorted view of daily life. Or a distorted view of what my daily life should be like. (*note it is strange when you write a paragraph and active remark on how it never mentions the real issues in the text, only to note those issues in parentheses* freak).
In any case, I'm exhausted with being jealous of my roommate for always having people hit on him. It all seems so effortless, and he seems so nochalant about it. Although he, of course, doesn't mean to make me feel this way, I can't help but feel he's saying "can't you relate to my turning down that girl tonight? oh wait, you never get hit on." I'm such a jerk for even thinking that.
While I keep seeking out solace from people, similar or different, I realize that I'm really looking for change, and I'm not going to find that in supportive conversations.
Denial is a much too powerful a force. I should really start changing myself before I claim to be "trying"
enough time writing this ultimatly useless blog entry ... produce produce produce produce ...
-j
I never believed anyone when they told me that. And it took me experiencing it to finally understand. Maybe instead of trying to 'improve' yourself, you should look for people who make you feel comfortable as you are, and who can apreciate you for you. I know its hard to do with crippling insecurity, but youve got to start sometime right?
Let me know how youre doing.
namaste