solisis

Could you read my eyes if I gave you the truth? Would you believe it anyhow? Its been so long dear. So many years between us and all we have to show for it is a tension in constant that lures us closer to each others throats. When the day came for us we opted for this bond in a word spoken so absent of malice. I suppose you could almost remember what it was like to love. What it was like to care. I do, but I cant imagine how I was nave enough to believe it could last. We couldnt look past the evidence presented, could we? The trial and error repeated as routine for the majority unmistakeable. It was right in front of us as blatant as our own vivid display of dilusion. I cant blame you entirely. I want to, but I cant. Nor myself. The feed of pressure and the fear of solitude fueled our combined mistake and gave birth to something that was never meant to live. We played our own lives as an establishment of respect and a conformity to the status quo. All for the sake of being one of them. We lied to ourselves every night thereafter. We acted a role that would burn our lives from under us. We wasted our youth to this point to fit in with the mass and in it we sent our chances away. Please understand, dear, why I cant charade any longer. This life I feign has deteriorated everything I wished to be. Everything I wished to experience. I have become a monster to become the monster of the community. For respect. For status. For admiration. And it has only brought grief. To the both of us. I never wanted this. I know you didnt either.
I know youre not coming home to receive this letter, but I wont come home to hear your reaction. We both have something to reach for now. I wish you the best in your endeavors and your new life with someone else. I hope you wish the same for me. Perhaps this time we wont be so foolish to embrace the demon in order to please the audience and gain the eyes of the sad and slothful crowd. Perhaps this time we would lose our money and our jobs and our unnecessary fixations in order to identify the value of something that relies upon none of these things to flourish. Im letting go of expectations. Im letting go of judgement. I know now that love is something within a person and who they are to the world or what they have to show for it means nothing. A person is not their job. A person is not their money or fame. A person is not a token or a medal to wear. I cant believe we were so blinded to ever confuse something so pure as love. I cant believe neither of us knew better.
Im sorry, darling. Perhaps someday we will see each other on the street, at a movie or a store and pass by without even saying a word. Just assume that my new life is one that satisfies me. One that comforts and returns the gift. I will do the same. Take care.

-Ex movie star