solisis

This day. A day lost for nothing. An empty kettle for a strange brew of blood. I wished not to sink so far into my own thoughts of sorrow and intertwined bliss that I should be left without even the slightest strenght to raise my eyes to the crowd. It is an iceless cold in this chamber left forgotten in the closet. It is without even a dim light for me to see the scars on my cheek or the faded smears of a black and halfsomething blue . Eye, granted by the impact of a single tear from a gland unused since as long as I can recall. Even if I could stand up it would be for maybe a second before the violent vertigo restrained me and placed me back in the clutch of a jealous floor. Its been so long I forgot how to summon the remnants of a once voice lost to the parched air and countless particles of dust. I dont know if I would bother calling for help. Im afraid of what I look like now now that Im so ugly to me. I wished it to vanish forever. I wished it away. But the memories are much more than they were once. Now I can feel the emotions all over again as though it was the very minute she brushed her lips over mine as she spoke those immortal words in a voice cracked by the slightest breath and an unmoving jaw. Her teeth tasted like a smooth sheet of apple skins. I remember. And they bit down on my tongue as I traced the edges, imprinting the texture in my heart to keep forever. I would need them to haunt me through the minutes she was away. Even one was too much to bear without crushing my fists together and anchoring them to my chest. She was my very doom and salvation all at once. I watched her move. Every inch and motion recorded out of a deep impacted fear that this second will be the last I see her. Last I taste her. Last I feel her breath over my eyes and her nails in my skin. I would let dissolve, without misplacing a one, every moment she stood beside me as they cured the poison and numbed the pain. It was a torture so delicious..and indescribable. I have no words for it, really. You just have to be there to know. Someday you will. It cannot be avoided. It cannot pass by without sharing the essence of its ferocious sting.
I wished it so intensely that I killed it before it could reach past the point of physical necessity. I wished it with a passion more frightening than any luminous companion could handle. Enough to destroy the bridges and let burn the ropes. Enough to murder the captain and thrust the ship deeper into the seat of the oceans underhalls.
I wish now with every pure breath left in this tattered, love eroded shell of me that I would have appreciated her more. More than I could. More than I did. Enough to remove doubt. Enough to remove fear. Enough to hear hers and not my own heart beating. I spent so much time writing the tales of us in the journal of my mind that I somehow missed the importance of that very second. The one we shared. The one we would never get a chance to recreate. And I lost her.
I have nothing now.
Nothing but memories I can feel.
Nothing but this floor in a cell with no bars.
God, I wish.
If I could do it again.
I wish I could have loved for her. I wish I could have never confused love with posession. I wish I could have kept her from the edge. I wish I never would have pushed her there.
I wish I would have trusted.
Because sometimes you dont get a second chance..