Look over the edge with me. Only stay where you are. You wouldnt wish to follow where I plan to venture. Not yet.
There is a small lift of granulated earth that followed that final push. The one that made me a pilot of a craft of one on a crash course into an unseen plain masked by fog so thick you could stand a pencil on its perfectly flat surface. The one that made clear all that never mattered in the former of this not so life as I plumit to a new experience no more valueless than the last. The one that says it was all for nothing, the nothing that was me and the nothing I became. Sadly.
In the first of a hundred sixty foot drop I recall a voice of someone I felt close enough to hold her hand as she slowly pressed the blade into my chest and drew a heart in the shape of hate. Multiplied a dozen times unchanging. The once too many arguments that successfully eliminated the seemingly endless span of fond memories now smoldering in the ruins dealt lavishingly upon my person. The motions of her lips as they silently spell out a line of I love you while her busy hands occupy my no more quivering body. A horror story represented by those two semi-cricles at a perpendicular meet. Naturally.
In the second foot I realized the microscopic value of such mundane details in this joke of life we so foolishly persue in some twisted, arcane fashion, as the fact that peru offers a splendid line of eclectic foods for patrons of the del-west hilton and recreational center at an affordable, discount price, safeway is running a special on fat free frozen yogurt, provided youre a member of the safeway rewards card club, I have been approved for a visa platinum card with a low introductory rate of 8.99% for the first 3 months, afterwhence it defaults to the nominal 67.99% that the rest of the members suffer regularly, and of course, that mazda introduces their new 2003 land raper, which offers standard 4 wheel drive action and a towering 800 horse power, 30 cylindar engine that requires nuclear technology to turn over. All of which bears little significance at this juncture in my failed attempt at surviving the mortal ranks. Fortunately.
In the third through 58th, I sift through the many times I calculated the quadratic equations and parabolic measurements only to discard the information to memory, never once relaying the message of education to another mistitled soul for the purpose of actually touching someones life in a meaningful manner. Instead I selected operand 2 in the deduction of this unnecessarily complicated existance, In my own selfish way, that is.
By doing this, I was forever placing the pedastal in the proverbial trash receptical as I give a cynnical motion of the symbolic fuck you to the lords and heavens above announcing the blatant disregard for appreciation or what have you that anyone could possibly have held for me on an educational achievement level. That which I assure you is none. Also represented by the character zero. Obviously.
59 through 108 I spent in a pleasurous admiration of the skyline, now abounding in colors as it nestles the cascading sun rays beneath a sparse layer of clouds. I cant help but squint my tear ridden eyes as I do what everyone said not to for so long. Out of curiosity, purely I stared into the sun. through the clouds. I could see its seemingly perfect circular shape in a dull orange so bright it turns green nearly instantly. After all, what difference does a little retinal damage mean now? Now that Im so close to the end. And what better sight to be my last? I couldnt believe that for the first time I was so oblivious to consequence that my body and mind lay flat and abandoned in the abyss of dismissal and for the first time ever I felt so clean and purged of the plague wrought deep in my indifferent heart that I almost harnessed a desire to let this minute span a year longer. For it would never have another chance to surface. And it would never have another shot at recreation. Indefinitely.
109 through 159 I pondered the similarities, or rather identicality of gravity versus acceleration and the fact that the first few feet allowed for variety in thoughts and as I accelerate toward the unknown, my thought process seems to decelerate, or rather they proceed as usual and it is my rapid acceleration that contorts the perception of distance versus memory recollection. In this moment I realize that my heart rate is escalating and my ability to deduct the actions of my own mind seem to be dissipating . see also: panic. A flurry of undefinable emotions surge through me as I look about in a most peculiar fashion in what appears to be an attempt at identifying the eject lever that doesnt exist in a situation such as this. Then terror. Absolute terror and the realization that never again will I be able to knock on a door and run off leaving behind a sack of roasting dog feces, never again will I be able to step through the softness of a wet grass lawn or run my toes through a sick, blue shag carpet. Never again will I be able to spill three or four hundred pennies on the floor of a quiet theater just to hear others laugh at my apparent misfortune. Never again will I be able to drive a billion miles per hour just for kicks or swing as a tiny boy on a set generously provided by our local government. Never again will I be able to say hello. Come to think of it, I didnt even say goodbye. Selfishly.
In that last foot it hit me. The image of her face and the violent slap of intense love I held so painfully dear it demolished my ability to think, not straight, but think at all. Like nothing I have ever felt before and nothing I will ever face again. I cant. not now. Ive already made the rash decision to jump. I am committed. I am beyond the point of return. beyond the point of redemption.
The rocks draw near. Within inches.
About that time I recite the lines so often received with a casually descending impact. The ones I meant with sincerety. The only ones she could count on because I was such a bastard. But I had to prove my point. Its true I really do love y*
There is a small lift of granulated earth that followed that final push. The one that made me a pilot of a craft of one on a crash course into an unseen plain masked by fog so thick you could stand a pencil on its perfectly flat surface. The one that made clear all that never mattered in the former of this not so life as I plumit to a new experience no more valueless than the last. The one that says it was all for nothing, the nothing that was me and the nothing I became. Sadly.
In the first of a hundred sixty foot drop I recall a voice of someone I felt close enough to hold her hand as she slowly pressed the blade into my chest and drew a heart in the shape of hate. Multiplied a dozen times unchanging. The once too many arguments that successfully eliminated the seemingly endless span of fond memories now smoldering in the ruins dealt lavishingly upon my person. The motions of her lips as they silently spell out a line of I love you while her busy hands occupy my no more quivering body. A horror story represented by those two semi-cricles at a perpendicular meet. Naturally.
In the second foot I realized the microscopic value of such mundane details in this joke of life we so foolishly persue in some twisted, arcane fashion, as the fact that peru offers a splendid line of eclectic foods for patrons of the del-west hilton and recreational center at an affordable, discount price, safeway is running a special on fat free frozen yogurt, provided youre a member of the safeway rewards card club, I have been approved for a visa platinum card with a low introductory rate of 8.99% for the first 3 months, afterwhence it defaults to the nominal 67.99% that the rest of the members suffer regularly, and of course, that mazda introduces their new 2003 land raper, which offers standard 4 wheel drive action and a towering 800 horse power, 30 cylindar engine that requires nuclear technology to turn over. All of which bears little significance at this juncture in my failed attempt at surviving the mortal ranks. Fortunately.
In the third through 58th, I sift through the many times I calculated the quadratic equations and parabolic measurements only to discard the information to memory, never once relaying the message of education to another mistitled soul for the purpose of actually touching someones life in a meaningful manner. Instead I selected operand 2 in the deduction of this unnecessarily complicated existance, In my own selfish way, that is.
By doing this, I was forever placing the pedastal in the proverbial trash receptical as I give a cynnical motion of the symbolic fuck you to the lords and heavens above announcing the blatant disregard for appreciation or what have you that anyone could possibly have held for me on an educational achievement level. That which I assure you is none. Also represented by the character zero. Obviously.
59 through 108 I spent in a pleasurous admiration of the skyline, now abounding in colors as it nestles the cascading sun rays beneath a sparse layer of clouds. I cant help but squint my tear ridden eyes as I do what everyone said not to for so long. Out of curiosity, purely I stared into the sun. through the clouds. I could see its seemingly perfect circular shape in a dull orange so bright it turns green nearly instantly. After all, what difference does a little retinal damage mean now? Now that Im so close to the end. And what better sight to be my last? I couldnt believe that for the first time I was so oblivious to consequence that my body and mind lay flat and abandoned in the abyss of dismissal and for the first time ever I felt so clean and purged of the plague wrought deep in my indifferent heart that I almost harnessed a desire to let this minute span a year longer. For it would never have another chance to surface. And it would never have another shot at recreation. Indefinitely.
109 through 159 I pondered the similarities, or rather identicality of gravity versus acceleration and the fact that the first few feet allowed for variety in thoughts and as I accelerate toward the unknown, my thought process seems to decelerate, or rather they proceed as usual and it is my rapid acceleration that contorts the perception of distance versus memory recollection. In this moment I realize that my heart rate is escalating and my ability to deduct the actions of my own mind seem to be dissipating . see also: panic. A flurry of undefinable emotions surge through me as I look about in a most peculiar fashion in what appears to be an attempt at identifying the eject lever that doesnt exist in a situation such as this. Then terror. Absolute terror and the realization that never again will I be able to knock on a door and run off leaving behind a sack of roasting dog feces, never again will I be able to step through the softness of a wet grass lawn or run my toes through a sick, blue shag carpet. Never again will I be able to spill three or four hundred pennies on the floor of a quiet theater just to hear others laugh at my apparent misfortune. Never again will I be able to drive a billion miles per hour just for kicks or swing as a tiny boy on a set generously provided by our local government. Never again will I be able to say hello. Come to think of it, I didnt even say goodbye. Selfishly.
In that last foot it hit me. The image of her face and the violent slap of intense love I held so painfully dear it demolished my ability to think, not straight, but think at all. Like nothing I have ever felt before and nothing I will ever face again. I cant. not now. Ive already made the rash decision to jump. I am committed. I am beyond the point of return. beyond the point of redemption.
The rocks draw near. Within inches.
About that time I recite the lines so often received with a casually descending impact. The ones I meant with sincerety. The only ones she could count on because I was such a bastard. But I had to prove my point. Its true I really do love y*
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P.S. I am irate. Nothing to do with you. Grrr though, grr, I have been misconstrued. I am ready to live underground in some sort of abandoned missile silo with no one for company but the BORL and an occasionally hot mangina session in which manvalves are explored at great spelunking length, and by that, I really do mean length.