I should warn you, this journal is little more than a large septic pool intended to house my thoughts of a pungent stench. So go away!
If only life worked as though it were written by Ron Howard. Love conquers all and all that nonsense. Right?
So, as I see it, I am the eponym of the word JACKASS. A noun. A foolish or stupid person. A blockhead, so to say.
How do I figure? I figure it on a count of a peculiar ability to prioritize things of little consequence and value over things of greater purpose. A noble act placed before the fact that it could invite danger into the lives of a great many. Well not be specific.
Firmly in tact after an internal commotion comes the ever fluorescent conclusion that this which permeates from the cracks in my subconscious is decidedly the infamous invasion of a widely misunderstood and often blindly persued emotion called love. Compounding the presence of such a quality in another with the various details and traits as well as behavorial observations and interacting history results in a rather smooth glide into an oasis in an otherwise parched white, rotted world. An elementary comparison, yes, but an applicable one at that. The problem with these worlds we place ourselves in is that they sometimes exist on one side. Sometimes on both, yes, but sometimes the world dangles on a rock somewhere in the middle as it awaits the variable to surface and tip it or set it down. The problem with my world is that its one to absorb the impact willingly as though it were a series of experiments conducted merely on a count of the intention to log the more common result. Then treat it as a piece of collective data ever expanding for the purpose of factoring the details into the next series of competitive qualifying tests. An unending loop. To proceed with the same results in a different taste forever and ever.
So I admit that I love someone. We all do. Sometimes you think you love someone just because you want them and fail to recognize that the persuit itself could be blinding you to the fact that youre just not ready for something like that. Other times you love someone based off of nothing at all considering the value of the details you use to justify the emotional standpoint you might have with the person in question. Sometimes you dont realize you love someone until there exists a chance that you will have no other chance to secure love with them. Sometimes you discover that you love someone after you have placed a mortal wound on the prospective relationship by engauging in something that was fun for the moment, but destructive in the end. Sometimes you love someone. And never get the chance to say so because you always thought they would be there until the day you discovered they were gone. And sometimes you love someone who loves you back. Genuinely. Someone who is good for you. Sometimes you do just enough to let it slip off the edge. Sometimes you have to watch as the body falls. Sometimes you have to see it hit the bottom. Sometimes there is no turning back.
So I admit that I love someone. I said this, I know. But repetition allows for better understanding. Especially since I seem to run off on a series of questionably unrelated tangents. The discovery of love was more of an ability to admit it comfortably. Before I never said it because I considered age and experience as well as the general fluxuation of my generations emotional conditions and the likelyhood that a good relation has a shelf life of a few months or years before it decimates and buries me beneath a hundred ton mound of emotional bullshit. Run in. charge! Live life and live life through the lessons that make you blah blah blah. I suppose now I have reached the breaking point where I say fuck it and challenge it fearing not the consequence. Mind you, this epiphony dawned upon me just now so it has a shelf life of a McDonalds french fry. But if I can train myself to be less cautious about the next few days and take life moment by moment I just might leave this world with a sense of satisfaction that I didnt waste away under a pile of rocks when I should have been out there making the greatest story ever told. You know the sort. It varies from person to person.
So I admit that Im in love with someone. A fool speaks before you delivering a message most unnecessary to release upon the online community. But then again, if he werent a fool he might realize this.
I say love because I know what love was not for me. I know what makes me veer from the women and I know what draws me toward them. I know of a person who is something I couldnt even categorize. I guess nobody should be categorized (except myself who is a jackass). But this person is above and beyond the average, unaverage person. Honestly, I cant say I know what is normal anymore. But, I know when I feel like I understand someone. Connection. You know? And never really have I done so with clarity while maintaining the element of trust that this is the person and not a shapeshifter conforming just to be with you. So now I do. I really do trust her. It strikes me as an inordinate emotion, thistrust thing. Because Ive only known shape shifters. I think I might have been once. And that very detail is enough to build the aversion to love as I have. It includes a concern for the future. Immediate and long term. And as a result I deviate from anything that threatens my defensive lifestyle. Love is not being defensive against the one you love, is it? Maybe in some ways. But I dont really now.
I should hope for the best and aspire to reason before exploding all over the set. I should consider being altruistic. I should this, I should that
I should be less analytical and more instinctive. Maybe then I wouldnt live life under a blanket of fear. He pops another pill.
So where am I going with this love thing? Do I believe that all you need is to believe? Or should I consider that without the challenge theres little to suggest that it would come together like I would love so much for it to? What does one say? What does one do?
Evidently my answer is to post it here and read the no responses people will have to a 300 page journal entry that nobody ever finished in the first place.
If only life worked as though it were written by Ron Howard. Love conquers all and all that nonsense. Right?
So, as I see it, I am the eponym of the word JACKASS. A noun. A foolish or stupid person. A blockhead, so to say.
How do I figure? I figure it on a count of a peculiar ability to prioritize things of little consequence and value over things of greater purpose. A noble act placed before the fact that it could invite danger into the lives of a great many. Well not be specific.
Firmly in tact after an internal commotion comes the ever fluorescent conclusion that this which permeates from the cracks in my subconscious is decidedly the infamous invasion of a widely misunderstood and often blindly persued emotion called love. Compounding the presence of such a quality in another with the various details and traits as well as behavorial observations and interacting history results in a rather smooth glide into an oasis in an otherwise parched white, rotted world. An elementary comparison, yes, but an applicable one at that. The problem with these worlds we place ourselves in is that they sometimes exist on one side. Sometimes on both, yes, but sometimes the world dangles on a rock somewhere in the middle as it awaits the variable to surface and tip it or set it down. The problem with my world is that its one to absorb the impact willingly as though it were a series of experiments conducted merely on a count of the intention to log the more common result. Then treat it as a piece of collective data ever expanding for the purpose of factoring the details into the next series of competitive qualifying tests. An unending loop. To proceed with the same results in a different taste forever and ever.
So I admit that I love someone. We all do. Sometimes you think you love someone just because you want them and fail to recognize that the persuit itself could be blinding you to the fact that youre just not ready for something like that. Other times you love someone based off of nothing at all considering the value of the details you use to justify the emotional standpoint you might have with the person in question. Sometimes you dont realize you love someone until there exists a chance that you will have no other chance to secure love with them. Sometimes you discover that you love someone after you have placed a mortal wound on the prospective relationship by engauging in something that was fun for the moment, but destructive in the end. Sometimes you love someone. And never get the chance to say so because you always thought they would be there until the day you discovered they were gone. And sometimes you love someone who loves you back. Genuinely. Someone who is good for you. Sometimes you do just enough to let it slip off the edge. Sometimes you have to watch as the body falls. Sometimes you have to see it hit the bottom. Sometimes there is no turning back.
So I admit that I love someone. I said this, I know. But repetition allows for better understanding. Especially since I seem to run off on a series of questionably unrelated tangents. The discovery of love was more of an ability to admit it comfortably. Before I never said it because I considered age and experience as well as the general fluxuation of my generations emotional conditions and the likelyhood that a good relation has a shelf life of a few months or years before it decimates and buries me beneath a hundred ton mound of emotional bullshit. Run in. charge! Live life and live life through the lessons that make you blah blah blah. I suppose now I have reached the breaking point where I say fuck it and challenge it fearing not the consequence. Mind you, this epiphony dawned upon me just now so it has a shelf life of a McDonalds french fry. But if I can train myself to be less cautious about the next few days and take life moment by moment I just might leave this world with a sense of satisfaction that I didnt waste away under a pile of rocks when I should have been out there making the greatest story ever told. You know the sort. It varies from person to person.
So I admit that Im in love with someone. A fool speaks before you delivering a message most unnecessary to release upon the online community. But then again, if he werent a fool he might realize this.
I say love because I know what love was not for me. I know what makes me veer from the women and I know what draws me toward them. I know of a person who is something I couldnt even categorize. I guess nobody should be categorized (except myself who is a jackass). But this person is above and beyond the average, unaverage person. Honestly, I cant say I know what is normal anymore. But, I know when I feel like I understand someone. Connection. You know? And never really have I done so with clarity while maintaining the element of trust that this is the person and not a shapeshifter conforming just to be with you. So now I do. I really do trust her. It strikes me as an inordinate emotion, thistrust thing. Because Ive only known shape shifters. I think I might have been once. And that very detail is enough to build the aversion to love as I have. It includes a concern for the future. Immediate and long term. And as a result I deviate from anything that threatens my defensive lifestyle. Love is not being defensive against the one you love, is it? Maybe in some ways. But I dont really now.
I should hope for the best and aspire to reason before exploding all over the set. I should consider being altruistic. I should this, I should that
I should be less analytical and more instinctive. Maybe then I wouldnt live life under a blanket of fear. He pops another pill.
So where am I going with this love thing? Do I believe that all you need is to believe? Or should I consider that without the challenge theres little to suggest that it would come together like I would love so much for it to? What does one say? What does one do?
Evidently my answer is to post it here and read the no responses people will have to a 300 page journal entry that nobody ever finished in the first place.
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
joscelyne:
It's almost as though beams of light have emerged from behind you. I really do feel blessed. Just don't sacrifice yourself on account of my being [or anyone else's] and all will be alright.
suiciety:
waiting