soko

sitting in an uncomfortable position, staring at the laptop that is twisted on my leg, I ponder things about various conversations had over the day.
It seems every day where I spend in silence just listening to people talk, My disgust for the human society gets worse, yet when I add in my two cents... it makes me think society isn't so bad.
I defend, I defy, I deny, I accept, I defend.
an absolute loop to my life that I can't understand at all.
why defend those I hate? why deny those I love?
It seems the twenties is when everyone is supposed to figure out who they are (from what I've been reading about).
yet I never understand them.

I have one person that I like a lot.
I tell her I love her, yet we never do anything in the respect of love.
I don't think I love her, yet I know I do.
we fight all the time over this, and I can't explain to her that the part of me that I communicate to her loves her, yet the part that doesn't talk, doesn't communicate doesn't.

While I argue against love as a form of compassion, I can't say I don't love her because she has spent so much time in to me.

Everything I have about me seems a positive yet there is still a devils advocate style that surfaces in everything. All it leaves is questions. All I want is answers.
I can't be happy when I get an answer, so another question forms based on the answer.

is this life?
if so, why?
someday I'll stop talking, stop thinking, stop moving, stop everything pertaining to life, and at that moment is the moment I will classify myself as dead.

is that it?

yes.

why?

why not? why believe in religion when nothingness seems to be a better excuse to live life to the fullest.

Everything is always a question.