OK so my last journal was kinda odd and probably worried people but now that I look at it again, it looks worse than it is. I hope no one was alarmed.
I'm moving and need to get all my stuff from one house to the other. That means digging in the old boxes, and the closets, and under my bed. I don't like doing that. Ghosts live there. Not actual, chains and see through ghosts or large, green ghosts that slime you, but ghosts of memories that I don't want anymore. A shirt. A letter. Maybe a gift given that's been left, uncared for and unwanted now. Is there REALLY something the matter with me? Am I just being a wuss? Why can't I get over this? I feel like I should be over it already but I'm not. The tiniest thing can trigger the floodgates to open and then I'm fucked up again. No sleeping, no eating and DEFINITELY no thinking about anything else. I can't believe that Amy fucked me up this bad. I swore I'd never let anyone do this to me again. It's barely getting better at all and it's VERY wearing. It got so bad that I called out of work two days and nearly got in more shit than I could handle. I'm walking a very thin edge now and I don't want to fall the wrong way. Nothing is working. I'm trying though. What else can I do?
I'm pretty sure I can beat this. I know it sounds like I'm only getting worse and that all I do is bitch but I'm just kind of venting. I really work hard at not being depressed. That's probably the funniest sounding sentence I've ever written. HAH. I'm pretty sure that if I just grit my teeth and slog through it, things will get better. They always do right? RIGHT?!? Little by little things have to get better. I just have to work hard not to fuck them up. I'm good at that you know. Getting myself into terrible jams. And either by good luck or hard work or both I always get myself out of them but I don't like doing that. I don't like being in a jam. I want things to go smooth. Plus, I'm pretty sure that if I fuck up this time it's really gonna be impossible to fix it. I'm pretty sure that will be the last straw and I'll finally slip off that thin edge. It's tough though and fucking up is even pretty attractive looking. It's sort of like that really crazy looking chick that you know is just totally and completely emotionally unstable and yet you can't help but want her. I won't go with her though. I'm old enough now to know that she'll only fuck me up worse. At least, I THINK I am.....
I'm moving and need to get all my stuff from one house to the other. That means digging in the old boxes, and the closets, and under my bed. I don't like doing that. Ghosts live there. Not actual, chains and see through ghosts or large, green ghosts that slime you, but ghosts of memories that I don't want anymore. A shirt. A letter. Maybe a gift given that's been left, uncared for and unwanted now. Is there REALLY something the matter with me? Am I just being a wuss? Why can't I get over this? I feel like I should be over it already but I'm not. The tiniest thing can trigger the floodgates to open and then I'm fucked up again. No sleeping, no eating and DEFINITELY no thinking about anything else. I can't believe that Amy fucked me up this bad. I swore I'd never let anyone do this to me again. It's barely getting better at all and it's VERY wearing. It got so bad that I called out of work two days and nearly got in more shit than I could handle. I'm walking a very thin edge now and I don't want to fall the wrong way. Nothing is working. I'm trying though. What else can I do?
I'm pretty sure I can beat this. I know it sounds like I'm only getting worse and that all I do is bitch but I'm just kind of venting. I really work hard at not being depressed. That's probably the funniest sounding sentence I've ever written. HAH. I'm pretty sure that if I just grit my teeth and slog through it, things will get better. They always do right? RIGHT?!? Little by little things have to get better. I just have to work hard not to fuck them up. I'm good at that you know. Getting myself into terrible jams. And either by good luck or hard work or both I always get myself out of them but I don't like doing that. I don't like being in a jam. I want things to go smooth. Plus, I'm pretty sure that if I fuck up this time it's really gonna be impossible to fix it. I'm pretty sure that will be the last straw and I'll finally slip off that thin edge. It's tough though and fucking up is even pretty attractive looking. It's sort of like that really crazy looking chick that you know is just totally and completely emotionally unstable and yet you can't help but want her. I won't go with her though. I'm old enough now to know that she'll only fuck me up worse. At least, I THINK I am.....
Maybe this portland trip is what you need?
Getting away for a bit may be good for you!
Don't let Amy win. I think maybe you need something else to consume you. I'm not sure what tho.
Are you moving in with yr mom?
Anyways, sir. I hope yr alright.
Don't go too crazy now!
you can call me anytime after 9. any day.
if you need someone to talk to or whatever.
ok?