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soeffinhappy

Philly

Member Since 2003

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Friday Aug 01, 2003

Aug 1, 2003
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And I'm Not Fit to Touch, The Hem Of Your Garment
A Journal by Sean Fogarty
I am so totally socally inept it makes me want to scream. I want to rip my hair out and smack my head against a wall and punch telephone poles. And I want to drive. I want to fly down the freeway at 165 miles an hour, weaving in and out of traffic and screaming Deep Purple songs at the top of my lungs. But I'm not going to do any of that. I'm too depressed. What I AM going to do, is sit here in my room and wallow in my own misery for a while and then slink off to bed where I'll read until my brain shuts off. Tonight, I went to a show. I didn't know who was playing, I just decided to stop by a local club and check out the bands. I didn't know anyone there so I just went in, went right to the pool table and stayed plastered there. So as I'm playing I notice this girl watching me play. Calling her attractive would be an understatement and calling her perfect looking wouldn't be very far from the truth. Long black hair, dark brown eyes and a carefree, easy going way about her, although with a touch of seriousness. I kept playing and she kept watching. I missed a few shots in a row and when I saw her looking shrugged my shoulders and smiled. She laughed. I kept playing and she kept watching. My heart was racing as it often does when I think a girl is interested in me. After making a few more shots she said to me, "You're getting better." I invited her to play a game with me and she declined. So what did I do? Not sit down and talk to her. Not ask her which band she was here to see. No, no nothing like that. That would have been the path of someone who wasn't a total oaf. I played til I ran out of quarters and then sat at the other end of the room. Why? I don't know. I'd like to say it's because I'm totally, utterly terrified of rejection, but that's not it. At least not exactly. What I'm really terrified of is that I totally misread her signals and she really has absolutely no interest in me at all and that when I go to talk to her, she'll think I'm some creepy disgusting pervert and she'll only wish that I would go away so she could have a good time. Why do I think this? I have no idea. But I do. Sometimes, depending on my mood, I can overcome this and actually talk to a girl I'm interested in but most times I just freeze up. In the end I ended up going home alone and depressed, regretting my missed oppurtunity. So now here I am, sitting around pouring out all my depression into the keyboard and not feeling any better because of it. Depression is like glitter you see. The more and more you try to wipe it off, the more and more it just spreads around.
I hate when girls say to guys, "You just need to go out and talk to people". As if it's that easy. When they say that I want to say to them, "You just need to grow a penis and learn to piss standing up." Alot of people have a lot of stupid yet deeply ingrained social problems. Is it their fault? Partially yes but more so it's not. What caused them? I don't know but they're damn difficult to overcome. Not everyone can. Lord knows that most of the time I can't. I try. Dear GOD I try. Something just interferes with my brain and my mouth and freezes me up like Gort in that block of specially designed plastic. Except my powers aren't limitless and I can't vaporize the plastic. I just sit in that plastic like a guy in a silver rubber suit, trying to look like a robot. And most of the time I think that's what causes girls to think exactly what I'm afraid of them thinking. That I'm a creepy pervert. Well, there's nothing to do but keep on going out and keep on trying to melt that plastic. Maybe one day I'll find that I've been able to tap into some power (maybe not limitless power) and melt that block of plastic. Til then, WISH ME LUCK!!!!
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
hecubus:
i know what you mean regarding pulling old albums off the shelf. some of the discs that now stand as my very favorites were ones i didn't like at all the first time i listened to them, and it might've taken me a year or two to give them the ear they deserved.

as for your entry, i've demonstrated exactly the same kind of behavior in the past, for almost exactly the same reasons. what i invariably end up thinking is that any woman is going to see right through me talking to her, and assume i'm just trying to get into her pants. while this may or may not be the case (after all, do we not hope that that might eventually happen?), what needs to be remembered, particularly in this instance, is that she made the first move, she was the one to break the silence and speak up. hell, maybe she was thinking it might be nice to eventually get into your pants. i've had more instances than i can count of being too shy and totally unaware of a girl hitting on me/showing interest in me. i always end up kicking myself later when i do realize it, but at the time i find myself paralyzed with fear, just as you seem to be. i wish i had a secret tactic for overcoming it, but i'm not even sure if i've overcome it. good luck though, man...
Aug 1, 2003
actuallynotyou:
I think we're related...
all kidding aside.
l know what you're going through. I have no answers, only that times usually makes it go away is just the time waiting that sucks.
The last time I met a girl at the bar I wasn't looking to meet a girl at a bar, i wasn't looking to do anything other than drink myself stupid.
My point?.. Its like the lottery, someone's gotta win.
good luck..
Aug 3, 2003

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