socogentleman

I have lost my I.D. No, not my driver's license, library card, credit card, bank card, etc. I'm talking about who I am. I am lost. I have a name. I have a number. Correction, I have several numbers. A social security number, 2 phone numbers, 2 work identification numbers, checking and savings accounts, credit card, bank card. My life is nothing but numbers. I do not know who I am. I'm not sure anymore if I've ever known who I am. I have taken on so many different personas... I am lost. I'm lost in a forest of so many personalities, a jungle even. Yes, a jungle or perhaps a rainforest. So thick that I can hardly move, so hot I can hardly breathe. But the heat is from a personal hell that I live in from day to day. Sure I might seem like someone who is occassionaly happy, but I'm not even sure at this point if those little blips on my emotional radar are happiness or if they're just disguised as such. I am at my wit's end. I know not what to do anymore. I have no answers, only questions. If it were not for my religious upbringing I would be long gone. As of right now I'm too scared of what lies beyond this mortal coil to escort myself from it. If I knew for certain that it's over when it ends I would have no problem ending it. I feel as if I am a mistake. I'm a misprint on a page in Fate's book. I suppose I'm just waiting for Fate to hit "Backspace" and take care of her mistake. Or maybe Fate has added a footnote saying that this was not her original plan but she has found some way to incorporate me into being... to justify her screw up... my exhistence. This is one of the many things I am unsure of. As of right now, the only thing I am sure of is that there's only one person on this earth that I can trust with all my being and sadly I am pushing her away. I am self-sabotaging because I am self-destructive.