snowballinhell

I sometimes see myself through the eyes of someone I don't know, and wonder what the hell they must think of me

I actually did something constructive today - must have been the bang on the head from yesterday that did it - and cleared out 2/3rds of my loft, the space that I call my storage room. In amongst all the crap that should have been thrown out over 4 years ago - the size 10's I'll never get into again and the cuddly toys that have seen better days - I found things which made me feel 15 again. A valentine's card from an ex who is now a man of the cloth a folder of my English work leading up to my exams, covered in love hearts bearing my initials and those of the boy that I thought I could love forever, and those also of my friends and their beaus.

I read the comments my teachers had made in my coursework and realised that some things never change. I still have that same melancholy outlook that I did aged 15. All the comments from my teachers were asking the same thing "why so melancholy in your work and what you write, when you come across as being nothing like melancholy?"

Of course, the boy I thought I would love forever got all childish (despite being 3 years older than me) while I grew up, but I never forgot him, never forgot how he made me feel back then, my friends and their beaus never stayed together either, but that seems to just be life. The boy is now about to become a father to a girl half his age that I have serious issues with and it's nothing to do with the fact that she's with him and I'm not, because we got together a while back and it sucked BIG time, made me realise why we split in the first place and I moved on from that part of my life. But hey, I was only 15 when we were together, so I think I'm allowed a few mistakes

I found photos of my Dad and me on holiday all those years ago, back when I actually had legs, and straight slim ones! Unlike the things I now have that ok are still legs but not as I once knew them I found wedding cards which a few years ago would have made me smile and go all gooey, but today I just threw them in the bin without so much of a thought, the framed photos just made me frown instead of smile - my sister-in-law grinning like a cheshire cat next to her then fiance who became her husband and is soon to be divorced. I love her to bits but things have changed, I am going through a time in my life when there's things I can't tell her about because of exactly who she is, my sister-in-law. She's family and a part of my extended family that can't know at all what is going on, not yet, not until I know for sure what it is I've been looking for, because it's that side of the family that I know will hurt the most, and I can't put them through it yet because I have no answers.

Geez, ok so maybe my teachers were right, I am too fucking melancholy!

Anyway, I came down from the loft, sweaty and dirty but enlightened, a small load lifted, gone in the bags for the binmen to collect this week. Another step to clearing the clutter from my life. And to think I really only went to the loft to get some stock down!

I had a good soak in a hot bubbly tub and now all I want is a hot dirty boy ah well, I can but dream

Now all I need - apart from a hot dirty boy - is a job!

Happy weekend everyone, hope you've all had a good one.

Tell me what you've been up to

Smooches
Michelle xx