snowballinhell

Wow, it's been a while, hasn't it

I don't even know where to begin to be honest it's been that long! I've just not logged into here much at all, until the past couple of weeks, so forgive me if what I end up saying actually makes no sense whatsoever, it'll just be random thoughts and stuff

I'm off to London on Saturday as it's my birthday, and already 2 people that I haven't seen for 2 years aren't free to meet up due to other plans I have no doubts at all that this year I will have NO where near as much fun as I did last year when I was in Manchester. But that might be something to do with the fact that I won't (as far as I know!) have a gorgeous man sharing my bed with me this year. *sigh* ah well, can't have it all, all the time can we Although just some of the time would be nice once in a while!

My LDR seems to be fizzling out which makes me slightly sad but in some respects quite relieved too. I can't cope with feeling second best to weed and drink. Fed up with being left on my own after having travelled over 285 miles to get there, just because he has "issues". So we'll continue to be friends, but I don't think I'll be heading up there much anymore. I need to feel appreciated and respected, I'm the sort of person that if I'm with someone, I need touch, I need to be kissed and held and I wasn't getting any of that. To be left on your own at night to find when you wake in the morning that the person you came to spend time with has gone to sleep downstairs, is not good for morale at all. It's happened too many times now and I've had enough. My self-confidence is low at the best of times, and this has made it pretty much hit rock bottom.

But, I am also getting to the stage where I'm beginning to wonder whether I'll ever get out of the "friend" zone with anyone. Those that I've been interested in over the past couple of years have either got partners, or can't even cope with keeping up with role-playing online because it's not something they've been used to. Even the person I spent most of my birthday with last year said that we were just friends who'd had a good time. I feel hurt and used sometimes, and it's not a nice feeling coming up to my birthday! What also doesn't seem to be helping is that since the doctor put me on the mini-pill last September, it has made me extra super horny. Not good when I'm not getting any action at all!!

I need to seriously work on my health issues too. My weight is back to where it was over 2 years ago, and I hate the fact that I've gone backwards again (although part of this also has to do with the mini-pill). Nothing at the moment seems to be working. I don't have the mindset to go back to the Cambridge Diet, so I've stopped all contact with my counsellor, it's not fair on her. I've even had a couple of hypnotherapy sessions, which while they have been amazing, have done nothing for helping me stop buying the crap. In fact all they seem to have done is open up my mind to seriously weird stuff. I've had premonitions that have come true, and some really freaked out dreams. One in particular that keeps haunting me at the moment and I can't tell why I'm having it.

I'm still working, they haven't got rid of me yet! There's only 2 of us contractors left now and neither of us have been given any indication of how long we'll be there. I'm guessing it'll be later in the year for me as I've been given a new project to work on which has only gone live over the past month and as I'm the only person trained on it, I'm hopeful that I'll be kept on until that too gets shipped overseas.

So, that's pretty much it I think. There's bound to be stuff I've forgotten, but my brain is still hooked on Last Chaos

Anyone free next Saturday is most welcome to come to London and join me for my birthday. You know, even those of you overseas should just hop on a plane and come over He he.

Love to you all
Michelle xx