snow

the only thing i want for christmas is to write each and every one of you back. you know who you are...you have been around for five years, you have wrote me for the past six months, you get me through the day, every word of encouragement, every poem, every single word. i sincerely fucking love you.

so i made a promise with myself to write, to take pictures with my new camera, to read more, to make friends and keep them. i am a complete mess, i am not living in reality, i am in pain, but i have never wanted more out of life.

i have surgery on the 21st...i hate the idea of surgery, but i hate the idea of chemo and radiation and sickness even more. just cut it all out. i have to have it done by february...it has progressed too much to wait. i kept losing them, they were always twins, i couldn't figure it out. i will never have children, it might come back, it might have spread deeper.

for the last few months i have done nothing but cry...sit in the dark, not leaving my house. i cannot handle it anymore. i am going to be down for another few months, but after that i just want to live...i can't even describe my need to just get out. maybe we will run across eachother, i hope so. i want to feel myself again, i want to be strong and laugh and be sexy.

so keep writing me. and yes you can help me....i am bored and will be in bed for ages!!!! so if you really want to help me, and this sounds cheesy, be my pen pal...send me books...make me a CD...anything! write me and i'll give you an addy.