I say this because I was totally in the wrong in the last one by even mentioning my personal
business which should be just and only that.
Personal.
On top of that all I am doing is worrying the people that care about me.
And most important of all I am putting hurt on the person that's involved by having such an outburst over something that was
nothing and making others judge them.
Yes, it was childish and I have been the fool lately.
I can only thank my lucky stars that this person hasn't ran for cover and hid during my bombings of ridiculous emotional rages.
They have done nothing but been supportive and understanding to my needs and feelings and refuse to give
up on me as a friend or otherwise.
Every time I have pushed them away because of my own fears they have come back with such an incredible strength
of determination and sincerity to not let me run, and to understand or help take those fears away.
They believe in me when I am doubting everything I am and they tell me I am worth it no matter what my faults may
have been or could be.
They have given me back confidence in myself which I have so missed.
They have made it a point that when I try to hide from them they call me out on my bullshit.
They just want to know me, who I am inside, the real me and are willing to give as much patience as it may take
to do that.
And after all this you think I would be on Cloud 9..... IT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!!
And I can guarantee that after writing this we are going to laugh together and they will tell me I worry too much and
to stop being a scaredy cat and everything will work itself out.
And they are right.
I am not giving up on them, friends or otherwise.
In all honesty their friendship is the best thing that has happened to me in forever and I value that above all.
So I have been quitting smoking, yayyyyy NOT!
Going cold turkey after almost twenty years of sucking on cancer sticks is absolutely BRUTAL.
It's the only way though I have left to go though and my health is worth it, not to mention the money
I spend on those things.
I have tried patches (horrendous headaches), gum (makes me want to smoke and chew it lol), lozenges (ended up eating them
like candy and smoked more), and whatever else is on the market to supposedly help you quit.
I have been at this war for the last five years with myself!
I got to tell you, it's sheer damn willpower to quit smoking and I don't care who tells you any different.
They're liars, all of them, and it is not easy.
So after almost a full pack a day that I smoked by myself, ewwww I know, I have went to nothing.
For the last week I have not been the most friendly person at all, I'm sure one person could give a great
testimonial to that truth.
And I will admit that I was a bad girl last night and had two cigarettes, I know I shouldn't use stress as an excuse
but it's as good as any right now.
The only things that have really helped me is trying to keep myself busy with anything I can find to do.
Which can be hard because the house can only get so clean before I start scrubbing the paint off the walls!
And besides cleaning all I have to do is go on long walks which is good because I have started wanting to eat more since
I quit.
I heard that can become a big problem with quitting is getting over weight because you replace that addiction
with sweets and comfort food and they are right.
If I do not keep myself busy all I want to do is eat and sleep.
Work helps also cause then I can absorb myself into what I am doing to help forget that I want a cigarette.
Once again, it's hard and it only gets worse before it gets better but I am going to
conquer this habit no matter what!!!!
Here are a couple old commercials that should have made me quit years ago.....
I don't know how I watched stuff like this while I had a cigarette in my hand and not cared at all.
Did that make you cringe with disgust?
Good, I hope it did because your friend, Me, is cringing at the fact that I subjected myself to that or worse
for more than half my life.
And I decided that since I am quitting cigarettes I am going to start my own personal wishlist of things I
have always wanted to buy but ended up buying a pack of smokes instead.
That could be long list, lol, but I feel I am going to totally deserve spoiling myself after it all!!!
It makes me honestly wonder exactly how much I have spent on this habit over the years......
probably enough to put a down payment on a house by now.
That's sad considering it was a dream of mine to own my own house and property by this point in my life.
To realize I've wasted so much is a depressing feeling.
Oh well, we live and learn from mistakes or else we wouldn't learn at all and life would be meaningless.
Well people, I think I have pretty much blog bored you by now but I am sure you still love me, hehehe!
I love all of my SG buddies lots and lots and forever, MUAH !!!!!
Peace out peeps. 
