snag

ok...i'm really irked about my life as of late.

sometimes i wonder if things would be simpler if i had died on my vespa. i came so close to death that it wasn't funny.

but, since i recovered i lost the love of my life, i probably am losing my job next year, the friends who use to regularly come visit me in the hospital seem to take an act of congress to visit with me now.

not all days are like this one...but, this one sucks. i've been off all day and the only person to call is my roomate. i've made calls to all of my regular friends and not a damn one of them has returned my call (11pm now). all i wanted to do tonite was go see a fuckin' movie with someone. i went by my fucking self. i'm glad i went as it was a good movie (shattered glass -- i recommend it).

i have a wonderful adorable beautiful son. and i'm not sure if all my friends just assume that's enough in my life or what. but, you know what? as rockin as my kiddo is i still get fucking lonely when he's with his mom (and even when he's here and he's gone to bed and i've got the whole night to kill).

i know i know. call me emo. i don't care if i'm emo i'm emo. i just know i hate feeling all alone. even if i do go somewhere typically i end up sitting by myself just watching people. i've lost the knack for social interaction i suppose. i rarely know what to say to people and when i do it comes out all fucked up.

i've also got this thing with people taking advantage of me. its caused me to put the brakes on a few things that i probably wouldn't have a few years ago -- but, i'm sick of being taken advantage of. i just had to give a roomate the boot because they couldn't pay rent. i would have never done that a few years ago -- but, now i just don't see why its my job to carry people. nobody ever seems to return the fucking favor anyway.

i had this one friend come visit me in the hospital probably three times a week. the person won't even return my phone calls now. too busy to hang out with me now that i'm all alive and better. what the fuck is that about? i just don't get it.

i've probably only got one person in my life that i know is my friend and that sucks. people i would have died for six months ago seem to no longer be interested in even talking to me today.

i've also been talking to this girl for about a month now. she told me she was no longer dating this guy -- i found out last night that he still thinks there dating. i'm sick of being involved in other peoples games.

so all of my friends....who aren't calling me back --- are probably all together doing something fun and once again purposely not inviting me.

i'm not happy. i'm not myself. i'm lonely and worst of all this feeling has to rub off on my kiddo who doesnt' deserve any of this