movie: Vampires: the Turning
watched it: this past weekend
where?: independent movie channel
was it any good ? ---> YES & NO
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you ever watch a movie that was just not capturing your interest, but either was just getting progressively worse by the minute, had a couple of really good looking actors in it, or was inspiring you to write more ? This is that movie, and amazingly enough it encapsulated all of the above listed elements, while maintaining the stereotypical vampire asthetic too: long fingernails, white irises, total lack of a sense of humor, making suprised/angry faces with teeth bared and a little hissing, perfect teeth and hair, perenially clean clothes, and overdone charm ( but that is usually the actor's fault ) I mean, really. If you have lived for 400 + years and depend on seducing people to survive, I wouldn't imagine your conception of charm is to act like you are at an 8th grade dance.
So, yeah, this movie - as far as I could tell - was about a fella, and I can't seem to find out who the character is, or a credit for who the actor is, so I'm just going to call him tom "kung-fu" cruise. Why the kung fu ? Well, tom is not only a dead ringer for the real tom cruise, but he is also a kickboxer !!! that's right ! an American kickboxer who is going fight vampires to save his girlfriend. Convoluted plot ? Oh yes, but it gets better. You may ask yourself, "how could something so awesome get any better ?" - good question. Tom's girl was kidnapped by a vampire biker gang who, while holding tom's chick hostage are also trying to keep another group of vampires, who've entered a 12 step program to swear off human blood, from breaking a curse put on another beautyful woman, who is also a vampire. See, if the cursed woman is able to get back to this temple where the curse was originally put on her, during an eclipse of the moon all of the vampires are turned back to regular humans. In order for tom to fight the leader of the vampire biker gang he has to make the "ultimate" sacrifice and turn into a vampire himself. Coincidentally, the cursed vampire woman is the one who bites him, then proceeds to have sex with him - the sex part I'm told being part of what some myths say is how you get turned. Uh...ok whatever, seemed like a good way to get in some gratuitous shots of the cursed vampiress' fake double d's bouncing around ( looked like they were filled with silly putty or those super bounce balls you get out of the vending machines @ the supermaket for a quarter ) He fights the leader of the vampire biker gang and all his minions with the help of the non-human-blood-drinking- vampires at the temple site while a group of vampire hunters shoot at them with crossbows. Pretty exciting.. Eventually most of vampire biker gang and the non-human-blood-drinking vampires are killed outside the temple and it's just tom and the leader of the bikers fighting inside the temple while the cursed vampiress lays bleeding. Tom pummels the biker leader with precision kicks to his ribs and after softening him up, runs him through with a sword or some b.s. like that. Meanwhile, The curse is broken when the eclipse is at its apex. How can you tell ? Why , the way you tell any curse is lifted: by the huge, explosion which not only destroys the temple, but also propels tom about 15 feet away ! Didn't see that coming did you ? The usual pathos follows where tom cradles the used-to-be-cursed vampiress while she dies, then he finds the leader of the non-human-blood-drinking vampires and cradles him too, but in a very manly way, until this guy dies too. Tom's got a lot of love to give, but unfortunately for the ladies and any homo-vampires, he is taken. Uh oh, did he forget his girlfriend is still being held at the biker gang hideout ? No, C'mon now this is his girlfriend we're talking about here ! He finds her, and they cry on eachother. "I thought I'd never see you again" ect..ect. they hug blah blah blah...the end.
Interestingly enough, after trying to find actor credits on Imdb, I found out that this is appearantly the 3rd installment of John Carpenters vampire movies. I had thought he only made the one, show's how much I care about ol' Johnny
but, if you are interested upcoming horror movies will give you the lowdown.
watched it: this past weekend
where?: independent movie channel
was it any good ? ---> YES & NO
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you ever watch a movie that was just not capturing your interest, but either was just getting progressively worse by the minute, had a couple of really good looking actors in it, or was inspiring you to write more ? This is that movie, and amazingly enough it encapsulated all of the above listed elements, while maintaining the stereotypical vampire asthetic too: long fingernails, white irises, total lack of a sense of humor, making suprised/angry faces with teeth bared and a little hissing, perfect teeth and hair, perenially clean clothes, and overdone charm ( but that is usually the actor's fault ) I mean, really. If you have lived for 400 + years and depend on seducing people to survive, I wouldn't imagine your conception of charm is to act like you are at an 8th grade dance.
So, yeah, this movie - as far as I could tell - was about a fella, and I can't seem to find out who the character is, or a credit for who the actor is, so I'm just going to call him tom "kung-fu" cruise. Why the kung fu ? Well, tom is not only a dead ringer for the real tom cruise, but he is also a kickboxer !!! that's right ! an American kickboxer who is going fight vampires to save his girlfriend. Convoluted plot ? Oh yes, but it gets better. You may ask yourself, "how could something so awesome get any better ?" - good question. Tom's girl was kidnapped by a vampire biker gang who, while holding tom's chick hostage are also trying to keep another group of vampires, who've entered a 12 step program to swear off human blood, from breaking a curse put on another beautyful woman, who is also a vampire. See, if the cursed woman is able to get back to this temple where the curse was originally put on her, during an eclipse of the moon all of the vampires are turned back to regular humans. In order for tom to fight the leader of the vampire biker gang he has to make the "ultimate" sacrifice and turn into a vampire himself. Coincidentally, the cursed vampire woman is the one who bites him, then proceeds to have sex with him - the sex part I'm told being part of what some myths say is how you get turned. Uh...ok whatever, seemed like a good way to get in some gratuitous shots of the cursed vampiress' fake double d's bouncing around ( looked like they were filled with silly putty or those super bounce balls you get out of the vending machines @ the supermaket for a quarter ) He fights the leader of the vampire biker gang and all his minions with the help of the non-human-blood-drinking- vampires at the temple site while a group of vampire hunters shoot at them with crossbows. Pretty exciting.. Eventually most of vampire biker gang and the non-human-blood-drinking vampires are killed outside the temple and it's just tom and the leader of the bikers fighting inside the temple while the cursed vampiress lays bleeding. Tom pummels the biker leader with precision kicks to his ribs and after softening him up, runs him through with a sword or some b.s. like that. Meanwhile, The curse is broken when the eclipse is at its apex. How can you tell ? Why , the way you tell any curse is lifted: by the huge, explosion which not only destroys the temple, but also propels tom about 15 feet away ! Didn't see that coming did you ? The usual pathos follows where tom cradles the used-to-be-cursed vampiress while she dies, then he finds the leader of the non-human-blood-drinking vampires and cradles him too, but in a very manly way, until this guy dies too. Tom's got a lot of love to give, but unfortunately for the ladies and any homo-vampires, he is taken. Uh oh, did he forget his girlfriend is still being held at the biker gang hideout ? No, C'mon now this is his girlfriend we're talking about here ! He finds her, and they cry on eachother. "I thought I'd never see you again" ect..ect. they hug blah blah blah...the end.
Interestingly enough, after trying to find actor credits on Imdb, I found out that this is appearantly the 3rd installment of John Carpenters vampire movies. I had thought he only made the one, show's how much I care about ol' Johnny
but, if you are interested upcoming horror movies will give you the lowdown. VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
mle:
hey you
dodraibeid:
