Been caught up more with age. Surrounded by people 20 years younger than me and I get impatient. Then I realize they look at me like a dad or something. Shit fucks with me. I dont wanna be that person but I know I am and need to be. Part of why everything is fucked up all around us......to many elders want to be the "friend" instead of telling them the harsh truth the older ones had to learn the hard way. We wanna let them roll the dice and see it they come up luckier than us but deep down we know it will end them up in the same place. Drugs, alcohol, "living for today", meaningless sex and ultimate self indulgence takes it's toll.
I became a full blown alcoholic about 7 years ago now. As I type this I am swimming in a pit of vodka and you know what? I fucking love it. Part of me feels a little remorse when I am at work and surrounded by youngins but I know they are in their own little world. I didnt and wouldnt listen so why should they?..........the cycle continues.
Over the last decade I have lost a lot of friends. Some from the mental breakdown I had and others actually gone. A couple weeks ago I got word someone who I used to be really close to had a stroke and was basically gone but only kept around to harvest their organs. Shit gets real as you get older. You start to look at friendslists or phone contacts and realize they are ghosts. I see the young ones and wish I could go back before those close started dropping like flies.
As much as I want my friends back I know it would always end up the same way.
Hold on to the memories. Even if they are sad they will take you to someplace with a second chance. At least that is how I cope knowing I fucked myself up and I am the only one to truly blame.
Pouring a drink for the dead. I hope I will have the same done for me.