About 5 years ago I turned into a full blown alcoholic. In those 5 years I have had roughly 4 months of sobriety.
As with most people it was a bunch of things slamming me all at once. I had already been struggling with a lot of physical pains then the emotional stuff started to pile on top and I turned to a bottle. In all honesty I was more and more telling myself to grow some balls and just kill myself. The alcohol made those thoughts almost vanish but I ignored what it was doing to my body and ultimately my mind.
I had gotten to a point where I was willing to sacrifice those things to make the mental and physical pain stop the moment I get 10 shots deep. Like the weight just dropped off and I could feel free for a little while. I lost friends but honestly they werent really friends anyway. For every bad thing alcohol did to me it also showed me a cold truth. That cold truth is that I didnt really matter and it was conceited to think I did.
I have always struggled with the ego. Being raised the way I was put me at odds with the ego. I find it repulsive often, not just in others but when I would see it in me. Like it is a demon that sits under the skin shinning through with a smirk and a twinkle in my eyes. Often why I delete my pictures, I want to challenge the little shit whenever I see it in me. Not a very good disposition for someone to have that also wants/wanted to create music hahaha.
As time went on I realized this was one of the main reasons I seemed to drive people away from me. It was a victim mentality nested within the ego that poisoned every aspect of my life. They always say "you cannot love someone else if you dont love yourself" and that always frustrated me to the point I would just throw my hands up and say "Fine, fuck it. I dont need it anyway.".
None of this is to say I will give up drinking completely. I dont like myself sober. I am judgmental and overly contentious with little reason. However I do need to slow down a lot. I have the last couple months. I seldom get shit faced anymore and I have been focused on restraining reactions when I sense emotions building up. The downside to this is how much it has effected any musical output.
Ever since I started recording back when I was 16 or so I was always told that I play with a lot of emotion. What was once my strength has become my weakness. The more I calm the flow of emotions the more I realize I pull from that dark water inside.
I really dont know the point of any of this other than to just say it so I can see it more clearly. We all ride different rollercoasters with regards to emotions. I guess it comes down to finding others who are familiar with the ride you take the most. Not for answers but just to know a lot of us go through the same shit.
Be good and see ya 🖖💙🤘🏼