Venting

2

Am I an asshole for not wanting to talk to my ex I was with for 12 years who I have no children with?

Am I an asshole for getting pissed off when she starts to text me when she is drunk and telling me about this "great guy" she has been seeing for a few months after only 2 weeks ago she asked me for money and I gave it to to her?

Am I an asshole for telling her I cant just hang out and be friends?

I am an introvert and I havent gone out with any one in over a year and about once a month when Im starting to feel like "me" again my phone buzzes sending me to a fucked up place. I try to go out and hang out with a "friend" I used to work with because most of my friends are gone and his wife starts hitting on me messaging me when she is fucking drunk.

Ive spent the better part of the last 3 years trying to get my P.T.S.D. under control knowing full well it will always be with me and people personalize the way it makes me distant as if I have a choice over it. And every time I start to feel like I can do this my phone buzzes and it is my ex drunk texting me talking about how she misses me in her life but will readily list off why some guy I dont give a shit about or want to know is so good for her.

I hold so much inside I wish I could delete it all and forget. Im tired of feeling like my heart is in my stomach. Im tired of everything inside burning me up and nothing or anyone that calms it.

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smelker81:
@ainoa Thank you miss ❤. Also,  In Flames lyrics have a way of hitting me right in the chest along with the driving melody. 
smelker81:
Little did my younger self know that this was better for me. I needed to hurt, it was to learn. Part of me knew that back then but I refused to see. I blamed a lot on her because I was unable to see. About 4 years after this rant she told me I made the right choice. Still doesnt make it feel any better but I learned that showing regret or hurt actually harms others more than it helps. People respect an apathetic honest asshole more than emotional honesty and I am finally starting to understand why. Would you rather the captain of a sinking ship apologize or would you rather they honestly tell you that we are going to die and it is their fault? I think I would rather have the shitty honesty over the meaningless comfort. I mean unless I am about to die......lie to me like I am about to get on the short bus in that case. The helmet is more a placebo at that point but hey, we have our own story.

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