smatt

I can feel myself sliding into a depression. I know what it's caused by, and I sort of know how to get out of it. It's still going to happen though.

The Shit In My Life:

I hate my job. I don't just dislike it, I fucking despise it. I hate the mundane work, I hate half of the shitty managers, I hate the hour bus journey. I hate the 0700 starts. I hate working without a break.

I lack motivation to study. Much as I enjoy the course, I'm too fucking lazy to study. If I studied before tutorials I'd understand more and enjoy it even more. I have 3 essays in for the 17th, I havn't started one.

I have no money. I owe 3k from last year, plus 1k overdraft at the bank.

I live with my mother. Easy living, she dosn't bother me too much and it's cheap rent. However, she gets on my tits. I want to be self sufficient; back to needing more money.

I am overweight. I'm 6'0" and weigh nearly 220 pounds. I want to be 180 pounds. This is because I eat too much and don't exercise. I used to run 25 miles a week. Now I can't manage 1 mile.

I'm 23 and just started university. I'll graduate at 25 if I'm, lucky. I've wasted 4 years doing fuck all. I've worked in shitty dead end jobs for 4.50 an hour. I wouldn't mind if I'd actually done something with my time, but I havn't. If I'd left school and travelled, joined the army, just done something I'd feel better.

I know there are people a million times worse off than me, who'd give a bollock to be in my position. But they're not me. Do I hate myself? Sometimes. Most of the time. I'm incapable of forming a relationship because of it. I have no confidence in myself. I've considered suicide, but I don't think I'd do it. I've been on prozac. I felt better for a month or so. Now I feel worse.