i feel empty.. and im not to sure why?
i went to the store just a little while ago. to get something simple....
1. milk
2. cheerios
3. my black tea sweetened from starbucks
4. halls cough drops
thats all... i was leaving starbucks.. and turn around... theres this little girl... maybe 3... blonde blonde hair, lue eyes....
and looking at these dolls
and her mother says
"courtney... lets go... get away from that"
she turned... stopped and looked straight at me. and we stared.... at each other...
she smiled...
i smiled...
"courtney.. lets go... now"
and when i got into my car... i cried.
i dont know why. but just her and i looking at each other. i saw myself, when i was a little girl... and my mother.. taking me away from what was so important to me.
the little things.
i sat there.. looked at my iced tea. my cell phone. my walls of jericho cd. my scars on my hands, my arms... i looked at myself in the mirror. my blue eyes. my lips with their mac lipglass on them, my nose, with it's diamond stud. my hair, with so many different colors.. that i could never find that blonde in me, ever again.
and i cried, like a child. and i dont exactly know why.
i got home. i pulled out all my photo books.
and just stared, and had a good cry to myself.
i used to model. for 13 years, i modeled. pageants, dresses, dancing... singing. i used to sing. for years, i sang. i sang at the church near my house, even though i wasnt religious.
"a song of god is beautiful, regardless who sings it" i would sing for my mom's friends. my family. my animals. hah. i sang my heart out. i used to.
now.. it's not the same.
i walked up to my dad tonight. with the photo album.
and said.
"hey daddy... you remember these?"
first picture, was me and my dad. I was 9 years old, in a ball gown, with a tiara and a sash. "Little Miss Cinderella". Standing in front of a limo, with my hair. blonde and curled. my makeup, done like a queen. and my smile, as big as it could be. and my father. standing next to me, so proud in his 3 peice suit.
and together, we looked through every photo that we had. almost 20 albums. little miss cinderella, little miss nevada, miss nevada, young miss nevada, americas favorite toddler, americas favorite young miss, miamis baby beauty, miss miami beach, miss ft lauderdale, young florida miss....
the list kept going on and on... trophy after trophy.
miss photogenic a million times.
and together, my father and i cried. and i leaned my head against his shoulder, and he looked at me and said "remember that pageant, where we hurried up, and dubbed that fifel song... and you were the first person to ever sing 'somewhere out there' at a pageant in our town?"... i just smiled and said "yeah, and those girls hated me when I won that year"
and together, we sang that song...
it was... probably a moment in my life, that i remembered exactly why my father is my best friend. and why my father is my hero. and why my father makes me the happiest person alive. regardless of what he has done.
i cant believe i tried to block that part of my life out...
thinking i was way too good for those memories.
those memories made me.
the pageants
the singing lessons
the dancing lessons
the many many people who spent hours doing my hair and makeup every saturday
the church people who admired me and my gift
the modeling agencies
the trophies
the crowns
everything. made me. who i am.
writing of the moment
darkness turns to light, and the world is at ease
this miracle god gave to me
gives me strength when im weak
i find reasons to believe
in.. someone elses eyes.
i realized what love is all about
its hanging on when your heart has had enough
giving more when you feel like giving up
ive seen the light.
... its in my eyes.
in her eyes i can see the future
a reflection of what i am
and what i will be
and ill be there...
... its in your eyes.
i went to the store just a little while ago. to get something simple....
1. milk
2. cheerios
3. my black tea sweetened from starbucks
4. halls cough drops
thats all... i was leaving starbucks.. and turn around... theres this little girl... maybe 3... blonde blonde hair, lue eyes....
and looking at these dolls
and her mother says
"courtney... lets go... get away from that"
she turned... stopped and looked straight at me. and we stared.... at each other...
she smiled...
i smiled...
"courtney.. lets go... now"
and when i got into my car... i cried.
i dont know why. but just her and i looking at each other. i saw myself, when i was a little girl... and my mother.. taking me away from what was so important to me.
the little things.
i sat there.. looked at my iced tea. my cell phone. my walls of jericho cd. my scars on my hands, my arms... i looked at myself in the mirror. my blue eyes. my lips with their mac lipglass on them, my nose, with it's diamond stud. my hair, with so many different colors.. that i could never find that blonde in me, ever again.
and i cried, like a child. and i dont exactly know why.
i got home. i pulled out all my photo books.
and just stared, and had a good cry to myself.
i used to model. for 13 years, i modeled. pageants, dresses, dancing... singing. i used to sing. for years, i sang. i sang at the church near my house, even though i wasnt religious.
"a song of god is beautiful, regardless who sings it" i would sing for my mom's friends. my family. my animals. hah. i sang my heart out. i used to.
now.. it's not the same.
i walked up to my dad tonight. with the photo album.
and said.
"hey daddy... you remember these?"
first picture, was me and my dad. I was 9 years old, in a ball gown, with a tiara and a sash. "Little Miss Cinderella". Standing in front of a limo, with my hair. blonde and curled. my makeup, done like a queen. and my smile, as big as it could be. and my father. standing next to me, so proud in his 3 peice suit.
and together, we looked through every photo that we had. almost 20 albums. little miss cinderella, little miss nevada, miss nevada, young miss nevada, americas favorite toddler, americas favorite young miss, miamis baby beauty, miss miami beach, miss ft lauderdale, young florida miss....
the list kept going on and on... trophy after trophy.
miss photogenic a million times.
and together, my father and i cried. and i leaned my head against his shoulder, and he looked at me and said "remember that pageant, where we hurried up, and dubbed that fifel song... and you were the first person to ever sing 'somewhere out there' at a pageant in our town?"... i just smiled and said "yeah, and those girls hated me when I won that year"
and together, we sang that song...
it was... probably a moment in my life, that i remembered exactly why my father is my best friend. and why my father is my hero. and why my father makes me the happiest person alive. regardless of what he has done.
i cant believe i tried to block that part of my life out...
thinking i was way too good for those memories.
those memories made me.
the pageants
the singing lessons
the dancing lessons
the many many people who spent hours doing my hair and makeup every saturday
the church people who admired me and my gift
the modeling agencies
the trophies
the crowns
everything. made me. who i am.
writing of the moment
darkness turns to light, and the world is at ease
this miracle god gave to me
gives me strength when im weak
i find reasons to believe
in.. someone elses eyes.
i realized what love is all about
its hanging on when your heart has had enough
giving more when you feel like giving up
ive seen the light.
... its in my eyes.
in her eyes i can see the future
a reflection of what i am
and what i will be
and ill be there...
... its in your eyes.
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
anothervictim:
duuuuuuuuuuude. duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. One of those defining moments of who we used to be has souch a strong impact. Your description put me right there in the passenger seat. My father's love was throwing presents at me on Christmas, because he was gone 9 months out of the year on TDY. He was a combat photojournalist and that was his life; I was a side-note. His idea of bonding with me is "take out the trash." My mother is my best friend, even though she irritates me more than anyone else. 
You have led quite a different life than me Kourt. Thank you for sharing a piece of it.
You have led quite a different life than me Kourt. Thank you for sharing a piece of it.
brinny:
you should never block those memories out. You are right, they are what make you who you are. You are lucky to have such a nice childhod, many people dont. I for one have an awesome dad as well and mom was my best friend in the whole world... she passed away when i was 12 and i had a pretty hard life after that but i always had people who loved me. It made me who i am and i am a stronger person now because of it. And just becasue you have changed and grown up doesnt make you not you anymore, people change and times change. Just as long as you are happy with your life and yourself! 