Focal Points
The world is spinning I can't seem to make it stop it just keeps going faster and faster and never stopping. The more it spins the dizzier I get. I can't seem to find a focal point in this blur of a world. I can't focus on any of the beauties that nature holds for us like the breeze flowing through leaves of trees and flowers in the meadows. The things that are the true mysteries of the world. The more I try to focus the blurrier it gets I can't find the one thing in this world that will hold my focus for more then a nanosecond. Its beginning to make me sick the kind of sickness that starts in the stomach and works its way up to the chest and begins to burn as if I smoked to many cigarettes all at once. The only time I seem to be able to focus is when I'm walking through a store and see something that I must have and I can actually focus on it and think about what I can or could do with it, not just see it for a split second and forget about it. So what do I do? I steal it and I get this great rush of energy and I feel unstoppable like the world couldn't touch me. Oh it's just adrenaline. Some great rush right it's just adrenaline but wait a second this was different from the other time when I felt adrenaline flowing through my veins. This did feel great, so now I just walk around from store to store finding my focal points. Ha I have finally found some fuckin' focal points for me, things to steal. Does that make me a klepto? Well I spent a lot of time searching for an answer and the only one I could come up with is this "Opportunity makes the thief". I don't remember where I read that, at first I thought that it was the bible but when I tried to find it in the bible I couldn't find it. Well anyway I believe that it's the thief that makes the opportunity, like me I would give myself opportunities to steal something because I knew that I would do it. After I discovered that I no longer needed to steal for I discovered why I was stealing. So the spinning starts again and I can't make it stop for I lost my new found focal points. And that's when I met her the one who still holds my focus the one who hurt me like I have never been hurt before. I'm scarred, I'm handicapped, I'm broken and perfectly useless to anyone even her for I'm damaged. Yet my heart refuses to let her go even after I command it to so I can move on with my life. So I have discovered that some focal points are good and that others are wrong, evil, and painful. The worst one of these is love. Not just any love the kind of love where it is one sided and only one of the pair actually loves the other. And with her it was that case because now she couldn't care if I was alive or if I was dead for she never loved me and writing is now my only focal point because it is the only why I can truly express the way feel toward her because she would never listen because of the lack of caring towards me. Now here I am writing and bitching to a even bigger bunch of people that either can't care or don't even know me. God I'm a mess I should just give up on this pitiful waste of a life that I'm livin'. Goddamn that is even worse. I am a mess I just need a new focal point to take me away from this one because writing is only making me worse because I'm not livin' I'm just passing time by typing these words down instead of seeing the world in the blurrier mass that it has become to me and deal with the sickness and the dizziness that the spinning cause until I find the next thing that catches my focus. And thats where I'm going to leave so you can find your own focal points and not waste your life in front of a goddamn computer screen writing bullshit because it makes you feel just that much better about yourself, but soon after finishing you feel just as empty as you did before.