slannyfaced

not sure if I mentioned this in one of my earlier journals, but it really sucks being in love with a dead girl.....really, really sucks...

It's only been about 5 months since she passed, so I'm hoping given more time I will be able to love someone else again, but as for now it still feels like cheating even looking at another woman...


still love...
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What the Bleep Do We Know?........perhaps more than we should....but it's still not enough.....

Dreamt about her last night...only it wasn't really her. It was another girl with her eyes. I don't remember exactly how we ended up kissing, but we were and this girl opened her eyes and looked at me while she was kissing me and she had Stephanie's eyes....it freaked me out at first but at the same time made me so happy. Then she closed...
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felt human the other day......but that's now long gone.....

Not sure if anyone here has ever had a panic attack or not, but they aren't all that fun...to say the least ....................
Just felt I had to leave so I did.......then one arm went numb.....then the other........then my face went numb and my lips were clamped hard and I couldnt move them......my eye balls were shaking making it hard to drive.....ofcourse I was crying...
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So, here's another update to the fucked up life of The Slanny'd One....A good friend of mine kept getting these phone calls from telemarketers and didn't answer them.....nothing strange there....they even left messages for her but there was nothing there.....she finally decided to answer after a few weeks of constant calls only to have no one on the other end. She called the number back...
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So here's a pretty fucked up situation. I go over to Stephanie's sisters the other day and visit with her and her daughter Hannah. God I love that kid. Now I know why Steph was always going on about her. She is only 2 and you can actually carry on a conversation with her.
Anyway, while I was there Hannah starts laughing and waving her...
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"Shine on me Baby, 'cause it's raining, in my heart"


Elliot Smith.

I'm so tired of pretending to be happy, and acting like I care...

this is not what I wanted...
this is not what I had in mind...
and yet this is what I'm getting...

I keep checking my watch to see what time it is...3:00pm, nope not time to die yet.....only 350,400 more hours to go....give or take a few thousand... 40 years doesn't really...
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I am slowly going crazy......1,2,3,4,5,6, switch.


As if dreaming about her wasn't enough, I swear she was in my room last nite.
This may sound absurd or bizarre, but after crying for about an hour straightand begging her to tell me that she is ok and that we will see each other again the room got really cold and this green blanket of light covered...
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I keep having dreams about her. It's really not making this any easier. I miss her so much.
The dreams are all different, but basically the same. She's dead, but I can still call her on the phone and even see her sometimes. Shitty thing is I always try to call her and can never find her number or she'll call me and I wanot...
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So, I'm suppose to go back to work today.
And I thought I was ready for it.
But I just can't seem to stop thinking about her.
This is gonna suck.
I still miss her so much.
I don't want to go back to work.
I don't want to do anything.
Everything I do seems void of meaning and joy.

For once I was happy....
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