slamcage

Flowing from my mouth like foam, so old that it is now cotton. These wounds that I want to let heal run deep. They are black because I am bitter, and also because I have just left them to rot for three and a half years.
All right, I will finally admit it. I fucking loved her. I loved her so god damn deeply. There was a bond to the degree of no speech, you just felt what the other was thinking, doing, feeling. God damn it, I miss her! It has taken a while for me to admit it to myself because she pushed me away. Damn her for that, damn me for that. Why does it have to be like that? I fucking felt my missing her for the first time, today. I finally let myself let it all sink in, rather than ignoring that hole in my heart. "Oh what, that old gash? That's nothing," I would say to myself," oh, am I supposed to be feeling something? Because I sure as hell don't. She can go straight to hell!" This is not true. I still feel for her. I didn't realize it, but I look for hints of her in other people. Today I caught a glimpse of one of her more endearing motions in another friend's actions, and I felt a rush of pain, and realized how much I miss her. How can a person infect one so? It is really sad. I turned so cold. It was like nothing happened. I saw her one night dancing. I didn't say a word to her, and truthfully didn't care she was there. I focused on a girl I knew there, and even made out with that girl on the couch with my boyfriend, I think. Se la vi. But I have this huge hole in me, and it's been there for a long time and I have been playing it off.
If she could read this what would I say to her?
How dare us let such a good thing go!? I loved you, and still do in a gaping hole kind of way. I feel I have poison in my mouth from it all, and I finally want to let it flow. Fuck you! You arrogant, stuck up, bitch. You passed massive judgment on me. And what of yourself? I think you were always a little withheld with me because there is so much of the deep dark special stuff I did not know. How could you have withheld that from your best friend?
In turn she would probably ask the same of me. I would give her the truth, of my lack of tools. I would tell her I feared the judgment that eventually did separate us. But oh god I miss us! I miss our laughs and rough times too. I actually ache for the rough times that could have been if we had not both been so bullheaded, and her so afraid of abandonment, that she pushed me out of her life. So what do I do? What does someone do when something like this happens to them in their life? Try to weasel their way back into the other's life, because you are so bonded that it doesn't matter if you are away or together, you are always together. Yeah, it's like that with her. We were peas in a pod, peanut butter and jelly, the whole shabang. I even have bread in my life now, and I miss my jelly. I smile when I think of jelly.