I'm going to use this medium to vent. I want to vent about life, happiness and the stuff that bothers me on a day to day basis. For whatever reasons, I have not been so happy. It starts with work, financial issues, people, uncertainty, living situations, and it builds from there. Pretty soon, you get to the position of where i'm at where you just have no happiness to spread around you. You drop to a low in which it is difficult to pick yourself up from. I work on one problem at a time, and then ten new problems come up. I often think of locking myself in a dark room - sit there in solitude, and see who will come look for me. I think my depression has taken me to lows where I don't think anyone will come.
I'd like to think i'm a generally happy person, but I find myself doing things to hurt situations around me and myself eventually. I'm not a masochist by any definition, but there is just some sort of dark cloud hovering above me for the last few months. When it rains, it pours, I say. When i'm wrong, i'll admit it. But it is hard for me to undo any collateral damage that may have occurred. I want to bite my tongue sometimes to keep from saying something that i will regret, but the hatred takes over me, and I cannot control my anger.
I can't say I haven't had these problems before, and it sucks to think that after 33 years in this world, I can't figure this out. I often think back and see how disappointed I would be at the future me. It has been said that when things are good, they are really good.. And when things are bad, they are really bad. I don't understand why in humanity, can I not find a happy medium? Why is it when you can control your destiny, you find yourself doing something to hurt yourself?
My only real light before reaching the utter darkness of despair is time. Life continues, and it stops for no one. I learned this lesson quite some time ago. With time as an ally, I will move on.
I'd like to think i'm a generally happy person, but I find myself doing things to hurt situations around me and myself eventually. I'm not a masochist by any definition, but there is just some sort of dark cloud hovering above me for the last few months. When it rains, it pours, I say. When i'm wrong, i'll admit it. But it is hard for me to undo any collateral damage that may have occurred. I want to bite my tongue sometimes to keep from saying something that i will regret, but the hatred takes over me, and I cannot control my anger.
I can't say I haven't had these problems before, and it sucks to think that after 33 years in this world, I can't figure this out. I often think back and see how disappointed I would be at the future me. It has been said that when things are good, they are really good.. And when things are bad, they are really bad. I don't understand why in humanity, can I not find a happy medium? Why is it when you can control your destiny, you find yourself doing something to hurt yourself?
My only real light before reaching the utter darkness of despair is time. Life continues, and it stops for no one. I learned this lesson quite some time ago. With time as an ally, I will move on.