skoosh

Last night for the new year 3qtrtime and I went to visit my folks and brother and his wife (who is a sweetheart), then we headed to Cosimo's where, when he went to the bathroom, I found myself sitting all alone. I watched my so-called friends hanging with each other while I sat back in the corner waiting for him to return. We decided to head to Cat's (another bar, but this time on Bourbon) where we froze because the temp dropped to the 50's and the bar is set up to be mostly outdoors. Once again, I found myself hanging back leaning against the wall or just standing in the circle of [MEMBER=3qtrtime's] friends while he talked (he's great at telling stories) and I smiled, unsure of what to say and what everyone was thinking. We decided to leave early because I was starting to cry and as we left, I peered off the balcony at the mounds of people laughing and drinking and wearing cute, silly hats and wondered how I became this person.

We walked the short, chilly trek back to the jeep, my boyfriend trying to cheer me up the whole way, and sat and warmed up for a bit. 2:28am came around. He's outside the car smoking and I just started balling thinking about my pills.
I felt so useless to him, to everyone, a let-down. Good for nothing. I wouldn't date me. 3qtrtime is wonderful, but crazy for loving me. It hurts more when you know there is someone loving you and you're making his life...... not as great as it could be. At least I feel like I do because I know he's happier when I'm smiling but that doesn't happen very often. It's just not in my nature anymore. I'm so tired of being paranoid. I stayed in bed for three days after Christmas staring at the same four walls. I got up to go to the bathroom. He would bring me food.
*sigh*
He's too good for me, and so is my dog at this point.