skoosh

I'm going to rant. You don't have to read.

I just need to get this out. And it's much easier thinking that this is just a screen and my thoughts and not an actual internet post.

Whatever.

I am one of those people who really truly hates being alive. The pain, mental and physical, is almost intolerable at times. Why does it always come down to, "I could use more help around here.", which basically means if you have the energy to spend hours upon hours in the Silliness Group, you have enough energy to get your ass up and do something.

Really? Does that even make sense? If I had the energy to do something, anything else other than rolling over and turning on the laptop, WOULDN'T I BE FUCKING DOING IT??!!

You see, nobody really understands. Everyone will say they do, but when it really comes down to it, they don't have a real fucking clue.

There is a reason why I lay in bed 16 hours a day, don't clean, don't do laundry, nor go to the supermarket, nor cook. I don't even brush my hair anymore getting out of the shower. It's amazing I am still showering. I really truly have stopped caring about myself. And I stopped caring about everything else long before that.

I hate life. Medication doesn't do shit except make money for OTHER people and make people like me have horrible side effects and withdrawal symptoms......EVERYDAY!!! That's right, I said everyday you drug company mother fuckers.

Do you know what it feels like to have pain everyday of your life? Do you? You would have a pretty short fuse, too.

Can I get anymore screwed up? I feel so alone most of the time. At least my dog understands. He gets to spend each day alone with me cooped up in this little room. No excitement. No walks. And he never complains, just lays next to me. Where can you find loyalty like that? Love like that?

Tears are just running down my face. I feel like such a weight on everyone. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to me.

I am so sad. I don't think it can get any worse.