skizzyk

I'm working on my sixth step in NA and I have to journal or blog my exepierences about getting rid of all these fucking character defects every fucking day. If I don't, I have to start over. So I will journal about the opposite of my character defect. I'll even tell you what my actual character defect is just so you'll know just how fucked I think I am. The main purpose of this exercise was not to get the literal opposite of the word but to get to the root of the problem of how it makes you feel or what it makes you do and then give the opposite. Some I had to use twice. So you'll be seeing that on here too.

So today's character defect: Disrepectful

So I drew out the stick for honor today. Honor? What is the definition of honor? It says right here from my little tag that Honor is honesty, fairness, or integrity on one's beliefs or actions. And now I must ask myselfDid I practice Honor today? WellI think I did to the best of my ability. I didn't really do much. I went to the doc for the big reveal. I went out to lunch with my two good friends from rehab. That went well. We laughed a lot. So that's good. Then I went to the bank. Then I went to a NA dance. I came into contact with all kinds of people and I feel like I treated them fairly and definitely honestly and with integrity. Especially the people at NA. They can read right through the bullshit. So there's no bullshit on them. I did however; make fun of one of my friends from rehab throughout our time together. So I guess that wasn't very honorable. It wasn't in bad taste or anything. It was all in good fun but, she didn't laugh at some points. But it was still fucking hilarious. She's got to learn to laugh at herself every once in a while. I told her that too. I mean shit! Lighten the fuck up! Hell we only live once. And I guess there's just one more thing. There's a guy at the group, who will remain anonymous for obvious reasons, that is a just a totally cool and hot guy. I really dig him. He's great. He always shares in meetings and when he does, he always has something profound to say. Like something really good that I needed to hear that day. He's got a great personality and is totally hot to boot. He was at the dance tonight. He knows I think he's hot because I told him so at the last dance just kinda joking around about it but not really. He knew I was serious. His actions told me so. He kinda reached up and stroked me hair and neck with his hand and just let it linger there for a sexy second. I thought I was going to melt. HOT! So tonight, I couldn't dance. I was taking money at the door but, I was watching him dance. He dances really well. Probably the best dancer there and he keeps making eye contact with me. He knows good and well that I'm watching him and thinking naughty things about him. He knows. Why else would he keep making eye contact with me and then ever so slightly smiling? Yeah! Smiling! So the evening winds down and I'm not feeling so well any way so I walk out and he's in the parking lot too. He comes over and asks me if I'm leaving too and gives me a great big hug. I said, "You know I'm watching you in there." He just laughs and says, "I know." We make small chit chat for a minute and then we both get in our cars and leave. How's that for honor now? Is that honorable? I don't know. I was flirting with him obviously. That's not treating my husband with honor. But, is flirting allowed? I don't know. It was really nothing. Thoughts are just thoseThoughts. They don't do any harm. But was I acting honorable for my sixth step? You tell me.

'Till tomorrow kiddies....