posted this elsewhere but it's all that's on my mind right now
i'm 13 days from the 2 year anniversary of filing my disability claim with the va for all of the concussions i got while in the military as well as all of the other issues stemming from my service. 2 years struggling with almost every aspect of my daily life, and about 7 months since they stopped providing me any sort of care because i switched states and the va out here is overwhelmed and had no time for me. most of the days i maintain pretty well. i do well in school, i have a healthy enough social life, but somedays are not like that. somedays hurt.
tonight hurts.
party at my house, the 2 housemates and about 15 other people, and myself. they're all locals, they all know each other, i know some of them, but not well, others i've never met before and already have forgotten their names.
by now most of them have gone, a handful remain, they're all shitfaced.
i don't get to drink anymore, haven't had a drop in 5-6 months due to my brain being scrambled, and i don't even want to drink anymore, i'm fine with it, and i don't mind when other people drink, i still spend time hanging out at bars or at parties and it's fine, but tonight a few of them have found that after a long enough day i get confused and scrambled and mixed up a lot easier with my memory and cognitive thinking and they're fucking with me. i know they're not trying to be mean, they're just shitfaced and trying to tease me, but i don't know what to do, i get turned around and it hurts because i start to lose the focus on who's being genuine and who's fucking around and conversations get harder to follow and i fucking hate it.
i fucking hate it.
i fucking hate it and i had to leave the party and go hide in my room because i get confused which makes me emotional which only screws up my thinking more and i hate feeling like this because i know i used to be really on the ball and able to keep up with anyone but now i just feel stupid and it hurts and i fucking hate it.
i hate knowing that i used to be smarter than this, i hate knowing that my mind is failing me and no matter what meds i take or what brain exercises i do it just doesn't matter because i'm never going to be the person i used to be, i hate knowing that little shit like this never would have bothered me but now it damn near paralyzes me and fucks me up and turns me around and makes it hard to have normal relationships with people and i fucking hate it.
i fucking hate that i'm going to have years of my life to go where it's never going to get any better and no matter what i do to improve my life, my mind is forever dulled from what it was, my vision and hearing will never go back to normal, my emotions will be just outside of my control
i fucking hate it.
i want to sleep, nothing else, just sleep. everyone is supposed to be up and moving in about 5 hours to go to the river. i'm supposed to drive. i'm exhausted and just when i start to get to sleep, the sounds of 2 partygoers who are not housemates fucking on the couch wafts up to my room, because of course the couch and the living room are right beneath my room. i'm tired. i'm fucking tired and miserable and lonely and i fucking hate it.
i hate tonight, i hate myself for hating everything, i hate feeling this way.
i miss my home and my friends and my old life before shit became so complicated. i feel like a constant outsider and it makes me miserable.
i pretend and i smile and i get along and i do well and i hate almost every minute of the bullshit insincerity of it ignoring the near constant ache and throb in my head all the moments when my eyes lose focus for minutes at a time for no reason, all the conversations that sound muffled and force me to ask people to repeat themselves constantly.
i'm tired of no one understanding or believing that there's something fucking wrong.
i'm rambling and ranting and venting and i feel like if i don't stop soon i'll have nothing left in me but a big empty space.
it's best that you ignore all of the shit i've just written. i won't talk about it, i don't know how. tomorrow i'll wake up and go about my day in the same fashion i always go about my days and nothing will be any different. nothing any better or any worse. and then i'll forget i even wrote this until months or more later when i go through old blogs looking for something else entirely. something with value. and i'll find this and i'll shake my head and i'll curse myself for being such a little bitch. because that's what happens. that's what i do. and i fucking hate it.
i'm 13 days from the 2 year anniversary of filing my disability claim with the va for all of the concussions i got while in the military as well as all of the other issues stemming from my service. 2 years struggling with almost every aspect of my daily life, and about 7 months since they stopped providing me any sort of care because i switched states and the va out here is overwhelmed and had no time for me. most of the days i maintain pretty well. i do well in school, i have a healthy enough social life, but somedays are not like that. somedays hurt.
tonight hurts.
party at my house, the 2 housemates and about 15 other people, and myself. they're all locals, they all know each other, i know some of them, but not well, others i've never met before and already have forgotten their names.
by now most of them have gone, a handful remain, they're all shitfaced.
i don't get to drink anymore, haven't had a drop in 5-6 months due to my brain being scrambled, and i don't even want to drink anymore, i'm fine with it, and i don't mind when other people drink, i still spend time hanging out at bars or at parties and it's fine, but tonight a few of them have found that after a long enough day i get confused and scrambled and mixed up a lot easier with my memory and cognitive thinking and they're fucking with me. i know they're not trying to be mean, they're just shitfaced and trying to tease me, but i don't know what to do, i get turned around and it hurts because i start to lose the focus on who's being genuine and who's fucking around and conversations get harder to follow and i fucking hate it.
i fucking hate it.
i fucking hate it and i had to leave the party and go hide in my room because i get confused which makes me emotional which only screws up my thinking more and i hate feeling like this because i know i used to be really on the ball and able to keep up with anyone but now i just feel stupid and it hurts and i fucking hate it.
i hate knowing that i used to be smarter than this, i hate knowing that my mind is failing me and no matter what meds i take or what brain exercises i do it just doesn't matter because i'm never going to be the person i used to be, i hate knowing that little shit like this never would have bothered me but now it damn near paralyzes me and fucks me up and turns me around and makes it hard to have normal relationships with people and i fucking hate it.
i fucking hate that i'm going to have years of my life to go where it's never going to get any better and no matter what i do to improve my life, my mind is forever dulled from what it was, my vision and hearing will never go back to normal, my emotions will be just outside of my control
i fucking hate it.
i want to sleep, nothing else, just sleep. everyone is supposed to be up and moving in about 5 hours to go to the river. i'm supposed to drive. i'm exhausted and just when i start to get to sleep, the sounds of 2 partygoers who are not housemates fucking on the couch wafts up to my room, because of course the couch and the living room are right beneath my room. i'm tired. i'm fucking tired and miserable and lonely and i fucking hate it.
i hate tonight, i hate myself for hating everything, i hate feeling this way.
i miss my home and my friends and my old life before shit became so complicated. i feel like a constant outsider and it makes me miserable.
i pretend and i smile and i get along and i do well and i hate almost every minute of the bullshit insincerity of it ignoring the near constant ache and throb in my head all the moments when my eyes lose focus for minutes at a time for no reason, all the conversations that sound muffled and force me to ask people to repeat themselves constantly.
i'm tired of no one understanding or believing that there's something fucking wrong.
i'm rambling and ranting and venting and i feel like if i don't stop soon i'll have nothing left in me but a big empty space.
it's best that you ignore all of the shit i've just written. i won't talk about it, i don't know how. tomorrow i'll wake up and go about my day in the same fashion i always go about my days and nothing will be any different. nothing any better or any worse. and then i'll forget i even wrote this until months or more later when i go through old blogs looking for something else entirely. something with value. and i'll find this and i'll shake my head and i'll curse myself for being such a little bitch. because that's what happens. that's what i do. and i fucking hate it.
ballolett:
hiii ^^