skieswontfall

Last update of the night. Clearly I am just bored & lonely or something. Anyway, I went through my old LJ for a while tonight and man, that was kind of weird. Some pretty good poetry archived there, though. Still, it's odd looking through ten years worth of entries. Well, okay, I only managed to look through about the last year and a half, but even that was strange. The most remarkable thing was how up and down my life used to seem. Now, of course, there are still peaks and valleys, but certainly not so extreme. I owe this to, well, my meds, first of all, but also just a far more stable environment. While I am generally a fan of tales about dysfunctional relationships, being in one isn't so much fun when you stop to think about it. And it was a relationship I knew was bad from the get-go, and still it lasted five years. I have plenty of thoughts on that, but this isn't the time or place. That's an LJ kind of post. Har har har. Anyway, the plan is to get my hands on some cheep pharmaceutical amphetamines and go through and salvage everything worthwhile from the ol' LiveJournal and then purge the motherfucker. If only it were a pen-and-paper type diary, I'd burn it; a symbolic gesture to represent the start of a new era. A better me. Me as a person who likes himself, and loves life, and isn't constantly searching for ways to prove that I'm a fuck up and damaged (or defective from the get-go). Now don't get me wrong, I still have my shit I have to deal with (and some of it is pretty fucking major and I don't even begin to know how to approach it, and just thinking at the edge of it makes my chest tight and my breathing quick and shallow) and I have my down days but the constantly miserable, angst-ridden, self-destructive person that once was is no more, and this is a cause for celebration.

This is not to say that the past should be forgotten. Not at all. But to let go ....