That Im beautiful, and its okay to be who I want.
Prepare for another Skella style, over emotional sappy blog post! Its the homework, you asked for it. This is going to be a lot of history, a lot of making things out to be more significant than they are, and a lot of bullshit.
If you scrolled back through my Facebook pictures you'll see a lot of weird angled posts of my blonde/red/sometimes colored hair pulled over my face.
I used to be so shy when it comes to my looks. You know the-emulating any girl that whatever shitty guy Im dating at the time says is hot in passing-look. That was me. I had no IDEA who I wanted to be, but I knew I hated who I was. I alwayyysssss hated who I was. I was bad at makeup and felt like the all flabby chunk of the earth and thought that gaining weight would make me more worlds than if I killed someone. (My boyfriend from age 15-18 had me on a closely supervised diet, so it wasn't completely my fault.)
Jump to being 20, three long term mind-fuck heartbreaks later, in a garbage studio apartment with every implied nude shot from Inked magazine taped on every wall, and not a single food item in any cupboard. Like really, I had unplugged my fridge months ago. I was having a "slumber party" with a guy Id known for maybe a month, with my just-red-enough-to-not-be-too-alternative red hair long enough to cover my nipples, and at 3am, I looked at him and said "I think I'm going to cut all my hair off." And he said "fuck yeah." and we stayed up all night using craft scissors to cut my hair down to skin everywhere but the top of my almost-to-my-nipples hair.
It looked so bad but I never felt better.
It didnt happen right away, realizing that I was beautiful. A lot of it came with making my own decisions about my body. I went from living at home with my super judgy mom telling me how to look, to moving in with a boy who told me how to look. It took a lot of relearning. I got a lot of piercings, and I took a lot out. I made a lot of bad hair choices. After a year of that I got my first tattoo. It was a big decision for someone so unsure of their identity and I felt so liberated to make such a big decision for myself. After a few more tattoos and gaining about 15 pounds (a lot of it in the booty) I just felt so much like myself that I couldn't NOT feel beautiful.
Thats when I started to look in the mirror naked and say "holy shit. I need people to see this!" And I applied to SG.
I have a lot of regrets in my life, but I think listening to everyone who put me down is definitely my biggest. I look at a lot of girls who join this site at 18, with no experience but a genuine smile, and I feel so much envy. It took me sooooo long to learn to love myself. If I had started this shit when I was 18 I would be UNSTOPPABLE by now. haha. Nothing compares to this feeling.
I still get down about particularly shitty people that try really hard to put me down, but i think its more on an emotional level. It is a pain of people wanting to hurt me so badly, rather than a shame for my body. My body is doughy, my boobs are drastically different sizes, and my haircut is still ugly, and I'm short, and I have scars I dont like and one tattoo I hate but I'm really really happy with my body.
So my advice is to do what you want, because you're never going to like who you are if it isnt who you are. Go through phases and get shitty haircuts and wear a crop top and surround yourself will people who will support these decisions because if someone is that concerned with controlling your appearance that much then they aren't doing enough to love the person underneath.
Dont date people that judge what you eat.
Dont date people that judge what you wear.
Dont date people that suppress your individuality.
And dont be ashamed of your nakedness.
Oh and work on loving your insides too. Im still working on that one.
LOOK AT THAT SMILE! From my new set of course. A "fatal" smile (as @sunflower called it) ahhahhahahaha Okay! Ill stop being all positive and preachy!
@missy @rambo I think I'm supposed to tag. Happy home working.
