skeeve

This is a blog about honor. I can think of somebody that might be a bit displeased with this blog if he/she sees it, but I don't think that's likely and if he/she does for some reason see it I hope he/she will realize that this is only very briefly inspired by recent event. It is a topic I've thought on for quite some time and only now feel like I've connected enough dots to actually put it in English. I realize that the timing of this post may come off in as vindictive. Please believe that is not my intention. My mind was whirring and I had to get it down before it went cold.

To be honorable or chivalrous or whatever word you chose to use is very hard. Not only because it requires you to put the immediate needs of others before the wants of your and in some case even a few of your needs. That is comparatively rather easy. The difficult thing is that it is by very definition impossible to discuss how difficult it is. Because as soon as you disclose how hard of a time you're having you are instantly less chivalrous or honorable. You are now making your needs an issue. This by itself is not the problem. The problem is that it makes the people who you were caring for on edge. They are suddenly aware of how their problems affect the person they've been unloading them on. And even when it's not a case of somebody unloading their problems on you this is an issue. What if it's somebody's actions? Something that, though you have no right, displeases you? You couldn't possibly dream of voicing that could you? You're suddenly making somebody feel guilty about something that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Maybe they'll feel like they should be more secretive? Or like they should somehow stop? Or maybe they'll be more rational and become upset with the person that's made them feel this way.

Now not only are you being dishonorable by introducing troubles into somebody else's life. Whether it's adding troubles onto an already very troubled mind or sullying a perfect happiness, you have suddenly done the exact opposite of upholding honor. Or maybe you don't. Maybe you just make somebody worry about you. I suppose there's nothing terribly wrong about that is there?

So honor is fantastic if you have an acceptable outlet for when it gets to be too much. Except an acceptable outlet is difficult to find. You need somebody that's perfectly at peace, not overjoyed or overburdened and at the same time strong enough to not be pushed to either side by your unloading. Which is why non-human outlets are so fantastic. Slamming your fists into a punching bag until your knuckles are raw can do wonders for your mood.

What's the problem here? What if you are not perfect? What if you're trying to be honorable and chivalrous, but you have your own problems. What if you're insecure? What if you're not confident? What if you yearn for attention? What if you're terrified of rejection? Ever seen The Shape of Things? I think that pretty much sums up my greatest fear in life. Not that I'm being molded so much, but that everything about my various relationships is complete bullshit. Nothing but a game to somebody. It's an irrational fear (although maybe one that's been slightly molded by mostly repressed experiences). But it's the one that makes me insecure and crave attention. I mean if it's all a game I might as well get as much as I can right?

If you detected a tone shift there I probably shouldn't write while watching or immediately after watching a movie. Where was I?

Honor.

Despite all that is fucked up about honor I have to believe that it is still right for people to be honorable. And as much as I'd like to declare that, having drawn all these negative associations to honor I will now think more strongly about myself. I will no longer believe that everybody around me is worth more consideration then I am. Well that's not going to happen. I don't know how to put myself first, respect other people and have social interaction. Some people do, I don't. I somehow managed to go my whole life without developing any form of social skills. I'm terrible at bullshitting. When I do, I almost inevitably take things to far or get too loud or, most often, freeze. For me, honor is the only thing that I can hold to. And anything dishonorable makes me uncomfortable. And I firmly believe rightly so. This is one aspect of my behavior that I can rationalize and not feel like it's just a defense mechanism.

I'm starting to lose my train of thought here.
(A.K.A. The credits are rolling.)
So I'll finish with my requisite disclaimers:

Now in an overdue departure from my usual "I'm not really an attention whore!!!", some things I would welcome from my readers.

Please, feel free to contradict, correct, offer opposing or tangential views and whatever else you'd like on anything I've said. Tell me I'm right, tell me I'm wrong. Give me examples. Debate issues. (I can assure you I'll participate.)

Is it good to be chivalrous and honorable? Can it go too far (excluding any Deus Ex Machina situations). Do you consider yourself to be honorable? (Of course if you do you'd probably say something like you "try" to be honorable.) If you do how do you balance it with your own selfish needs? (Selfish is not a negative word people. It means having to do with your self.) And really anything else you'd like, but try not to focus too much on me or my issues. I'm interested with the ideas here. Not my own personal experiences. I think about those plenty.