skeeve

So I've decided that I think the way I want to lead my life is that I want to love everyone. And not so much in the love thy neighbor traditional sense. Think Ned Flanders, only not as annoying and overbearingly perky. More like a monk I guess, but I'm not sure if that image will resonate with you all as strongly.

My problem with this is that I'm a pretty jealous person. I am. I try not to be and I think I'm doing a damn good job of not acting like it lately. I've even done a pretty damn good job of not thinking about it or letting it get to me. I just tell myself, yeah I'm jealous, but I shouldn't be. Stop it. And typically after a short while that works. I like this approach because I think jealousy is a very selfish emotion. I don't think selfishness is bad by any means. One has to look out for one's self after all. I think selfishness gets a very bad wrap over all. It's ok to be selfish and possessive. It doesn't make you a bad person or an immature person or anything like that at all. Selfishness and jealousy are not negative feelings.

I've chosen that I want to be less jealous and less selfish because of how those two emotions have tended to consume me and I don't like the person I become. Also I tend to push people away. Sometimes, permanently. I do not like this at all.

Anyways, the "breakthrough" that I had tonight was discovering what I believe is my greatest problem. Humans have an overbearing need for unconditional love. Unconditional love is a safe haven. It's the reason we push on in what are arguably pointless lives.

Typically when talking about unconditional love, you look at the family. Your family should be an excellent source of unconditional love. Unfortunately, some people push their family away. Thus cutting themselves off from this very important resource. And even more unfortunately, and extremely sadly, sometimes, the family pushes you away. I'm lucky enough to not have had to deal with this but I have many close friends that have and do and the thought of it makes me feel a combination of sadness and anger that they should have to deal with such a hardship. (I don't pity them because in almost every case these people have done an excellent job of coping)

I realized that I've been distancing myself from my family to some extent. Maybe it's the freedom of being in college and not needing to actually deal with them on a daily basis. Maybe it's some strange macho thing. I don't know. But I've decided to stop it. Except for the fact that I still would like very much to be more independent. I don't want to rely on my family entirely to make me happy. I just need to remind myself that I have them as a safety net and that I should show my appreciation for this more often.

So where will I find my daily unconditional love? A source that I can look at and rely on 100% of the time no matter where or when or how I feel. And more importantly one that I can rely on without feeling like a child.

It might seem corny, but I've decided on nature. I personally don't believe in a deity of any kind, but I have decided to look on all things in nature as gifts. Flowers, trees, grass. Dirt, mud, rocks. Wind, rain, snow. Sun, moon, stars. All of it. I will bask in the wonderfulness that nature provides me. And from it I will draw comfort. If I ever start to feel jealous or selfish, I will go outside and remind myself that I have no reason to feel jealous or selfish. Everything that I desire and would feel possessive about is from this point on taking a back seat to nature.

In this way I will not be ignoring my selfish emotions, I will be overpowering them. This feels to me like a much healthier way of dealing with it and I hope that I will be proved right. I also hope that this will allow me to love each and every one of you in new and more amazing ways.