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I hate Funeral homes, I hate the way they smell. They way People stand in small groups and talk about the old days. There wouldn't be "old times" If Beaner didn't Die we would all be still sleeping smiling because he said something to us the night before that made us laugh.

I'm sad, I'm angry I feel it it the pit of my stomach but I can't bring it out. It's clutching at my chest making it hard for me to breathe .

Did the black widow finally take over in me. The coldest part of me did it finally win the better half of me? Why can't I feel anything but this gross weight? Who can answer these Questions?

Black widow a name I always despiesd it's so fitting now. No I still hate it. I've led a tough life but who has it ? I just can't show any thing. I want to !!!! I want to scream but I can't.

Last night I want to the crash site were Beaner died , with a friend . She burst out crying and yelling. She got it all out. I held her and let her rant.

Kim: Why dont' you cry Heather?
Me: I've kept things in so long, I just can't
Kim: Your lucky I just want to stop crying your so stronge
Me: no Kim your the stronge one.

She looked at me as if she understood what I was saying I envy People who can cry,

Shawn is still doing okay, though once he heals he will me doing time for man slaughter, it's not fair... he's best friend passed away, and he has to go to Jail

I just want to cry