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And to be completely honest, I don't even know what that means. I've heard of it, but I don't know what it means. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, so I'm obsessed with something? I guess?

After the psychiatrist explained it to me and what the symptoms are, a few things clicked. Some behaviors that I've noticed within myself that I didn't understand. "The repetitive thoughts. The repetitive thoughts. The repetitive thoughts."

My constant need for an unattainable standard of perfection, that I'm fully aware is a completely unrealistic expectation for myself. That every time I feel like I haven't reached, I beat myself up emotionally and psychologically for. "Not good enough, not good enough, never good enough. What is wrong with you!"

Ok, so I understand that I have it. This, OCD. But this is new. I knew I have a generalized anxiety disorder. I knew that I am battling with depression. But OCD? Another one? Another mental illness, another reason for which I am broken. Or feel broken? I don't even know. I know that I'm tired of being diagnosed with these thing in my head, that I don't understand and people think are fake. You go to work, you get out of bed, you have a life. How can you be depressed? Anxiety? Are you sure you're not just being over-emotional?

I know that I am tired. I'm tired of waking up every day with thoughts, these thoughts that never stop. If I'm being completely honest, some days I would rather not wake up than wake up to these thoughts. "If I just took all of my medication, would they stop?" But of course I my take all of my medication, I take my daily prescribed dose me be on my way. I can't take all of my meds, what about the people that care? Wouldn't they be sad if I did? I don't want to make them sad." Would they be sad? Like, I'm just me. No one special. They would move on, I would be replaced with someone happier, less work, less of a burden."

But I'm not a burden! At least I dont think I am... My friends and family say that I'm not. "But what if I am? What if I am dragging them down... Oh my fiancé. What if he comes good off me. Of the confusion and the tears. Of picking me up when I can't figure out how to get up on my own. "

Wait! No! That's not true! At least the logic says it's not true. They want to be around me. They want to see me overcome, cope and learn to live with these "illnesses" in a positive manner. At least that's what they say. And I believe them.

I struggle to believe that I will, to find hope for the days that I wake up happy.

But I will find it. I have to.