sixfooter

I really need a hug. I've had a really bad few days... Long story-but my sweet old crazy Grandma passed away this weekend.

Friday my parents came up here for "parent's weekend" at Texas A & M. They were all excited to see my campus and do fun goofy "family activities". We went out to a really nice steakhouse for dinner and then headed back to their hotel to watch TV and figure out whether or not we would go out bar hopping later on. We were home for maybe five minutes when my mom's phone rang it was my aunt. (Grandma lived with my aunt, Kathy.) All I heard from my mom was "...hello?... WHAT?!" then a huge sob... I knew right away that my Grandma had passed away.

Last week I called her when she'd had a minor stroke and went to the hospital for 2 days.... I was the only grandkid that called and we talked for two hours. Everyone who didn't call her feels guilty...

Well, she went home and the doctor said she was in completely great health. No reason to worry... So I decided to make her a scrap book of stuff that has happened in our family in the last two years that she missed. I finished it last Saturday, and should have sent it to her, but I knew my parents would be here and I kind of wanted to keep it until they could see it and then send it to her. She'll never see it now.

My aunt said they had had leftover Chinese food for dinner, and that my cousin, Ian, had gone up to give her her evening medicine and couldn't wake her up. She was in bed with her book in her hand and her head tilted to the side with a little smile on her face. Poor Ian is going to be traumatized for life...

You know, her death has really put things into perspective for me... Everyone immediately feels terrible-and nobody knows why. We miss her, yes. We wish she was here, yes. Really-we're sad for ourselves in that respect-it's kind of selfish to miss her in a sense, because we have no idea what happens after death. (I am by no means religious, but I do have a sense of spirituality...) Are we sad because she died, or are we sad because we don't really understand death and it is a terrifying thing to think about?

As I sit here grieving for my Granny, I remember the reasons I loved my Grandma and why she was special to me. When I was little, she used to pick me up at the bus stop in her old Cadillac and take me to her little condo in Arizona. We'd play poker with her jar of pennies and she usually fed me stuff my mom would never buy, like "Squeeze its" and "Mondo" drink. (Anyone remember those?) She also had wacky movies and cartoons that I used to watch at her house when I'd stay there for a weekend or something. When I was in first grade, my entire first grade class slept over at her house_something that would NEVER happen nowadays, but she was so cool about it She was all excited, and even let me and my little buddies have her giant bed She used to have me over on the weekend to swim in her pool- she was probably the only person in the world I've ever seen in a pool floating on her back reading a book which remained dry she looked like she had a floatie under her it really was amazing. She also filled my little kid brain with stories from WWII and Vietnam and from her days as a U.S. Marine and an Army officer's wife I miss the innocent days


I feel sad because my Grandma didn't have much quality of life anymore-not that she wanted it-she really liked to read in bed all the time. She had had a lot of strokes about 4 years ago and lost much of her ability to converse with people, but was granted some clarity for the last week before her death, and seemed to return to her pre-stroke state of consciousness for at least the last seven days.

My mom said I was blessed to get to talk to her for as long as I did-because nobody got that opportunity except me, most of her five daughters called for a little bit, but two didn't. My mom said she thinks I must have known on some other level what was going on, because I haven't seen Grandma in a year and a half and rarely talk to her-but the minute Mom told me she was in the hospital I asked for a number to call her and called her... I also had a feeling she wanted to know details about our family-and be kept in the loop (which she'd never cared about before) which is why I made her a present

Death is very surreal It doesn't feel like it really happened. I've never lost a family member before, but wow it is terrible. Grief is a horrible sucking, crushing, consuming, guilt ridden, regret filled experience


All of this stuff comes at a time when my other aunt, Randy, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer... She had ocular melanoma and had her eye removed a week ago, but it has spread and she has been given the grim prognosis of two years tops...

ugh. life is rough.... and I'm struggling...