On Friday, I went on my mission to complete my drag outfit for Halloween. From previous years, I had a skirt, boots, tights and wigs. But I wanted a corset, which I got at Lava Lounge on Tuesday. I also got some fishnets to put on over my normal tights. But I still needed a choker, gloves and a bra, perhaps panties...
Looking for women's clothes can be embarrassing. But I needed to remain frugal and economical. Bras sucked at Lava Lounge and were unreasonable in price. So I went to Victoria's Secret in Southdale. There was some woman in there asking one of the employees for help finding an outfit for her Halloween costume. How odd. I can't remember what she said, but it was "a sexy" something-or-other. How predictable.
So, finally I got the girl to help me look for a bra to complete my sexy woman costume. She totally understood. "I have a couple friends going in drag tonight! That's awesome, let's see what we can find you!" This was going to be easier than I thought! But before we got very far, an older woman forced the girl who was helping me to go to the front and ring people up. Damn it. It's embarrassing enough to walk into a Victoria Secret as a man, by yourself, and explain that you are there to buy clothes for yourself, let alone having to explain it again to another woman.
But, like oh so many things, this was easier the second time around. I explained my predicament and she suggested a particular padded bra. It seemed a little minimalistic. But then she said, "You might have to stretch it. You can use a bra extender. But... then again, it might fit fine. Only way to know for sure is to try it on." WHAT? Here??? "I can't discriminate against you because of sex. There's no one back there right now. Go back and try it on. It will save you a trip." That's one of the last things I wanted to do. But she had a good point. So I went into the Victoria Secret dressing room.
The bra fit like a glove. I looked just like some of my favorite lovers from the past! Oh, except of course for the facial hair and chest hair (which would soon be gone). And the lack of hips and ass. Alright, so I looked like Matthew with a bra on.
I needed to get out of there ASAP. My manliness was raising objection to trying on women's clothes in a Victoria Secret. So, I went to go buy my stuff. But there was this terrible line! Shit! I would have to wait there with my bra in line. Man, I've got guts. But that's not all. In my haste I forgot to get a pair of panties. So the woman who helped me with the bra came to save the day. I explained my "package" problem and she grabbed a pair of cotton panties for me as I waited in line. How nice of her. I said, "Well, now you're got your story for the week!" She answered "Oh, I could write a book!" What the fuck was that supposed to mean?
So, I needed a choker to cover my manly Adam's apple with. They said for me to go to Express. I headed on over but was attacked in transit by a kiosk worker with a French accent and what I came to believe was a fifth-degree black belt in Fong-Kwon-Do (or "Aggressive Sales Tactics," for those who don't speak Korean). She started by putting this spider-type thing on my skull. That wasn't fair because I nearly passed out. It was a massage tool that came in a childlike container. Man, it put a spell on me. She tried to make me buy two for $40. But I was like, no. She said one for $25. I said no way. She said one for $20 because she thought I was nice. That was the right answer. I gave her my plastic. But then she started pushing it. Alright, what about the other one for $15 dollars. $35 for two! No, baby. Then she leaned in and whispered at me, "Since this is my first sale of the day, I'll give the second one to you for $10. That $30 for two." I started wondering what the mark-up must have been. She put the spider shaped thing on my head again. What an evil bitch! She was worse than a lap-dance-happy stripper. No, woman! One, and I'm outta here! So she kindly rung me up and I left, dazed and not entirely understanding what had just happened. On a good note, the bag she gave me was big enough for me to put the pink Victoria Secret bag in. Whew!
Eventually I stumbled into the Express on the second floor to find a bunch of terrible chokers. They said I should go to Claire's, but I saw no Claire's there. Feeling ashamed of myself for buying this worthless spider-thing from the French girl, I scurried out of the mall.
Off to St. Sabrina's. All cheesy bondage nonsense. Heartbreaker. All tiny. Urban Outfitters. They not only didn't seem to have any, the girls there looked at me like they were angry at me. See ya! Express Uptown. Nuttin. This was where they started recommending that I make one using arts and crafts techniques. Fuck that! I checked a few Calhoun Square kiosks. That's when I ran into Julie, a woman who used to work at my Chiropractor's Office. We talked a while, I asked her about good chokers she suggested the arts and crafts way. Again, fuck that. I left. Ragstock. Some chick suggested these childish, plastic, lame-ass, spike-lined - fuck it, they were so bad I won't even bother trying to explain. I left and drove home.
I shaved off all my frontal body hair, pulled the random hairs on my shoulders, touched up my brows and got rid of that annoying patch of hair on the small of my back. Well, the bra looked great with my corset. I looked gorgeous. But I still needed the choker and some gloves. Back to Lava Lounge.
They had my gloves. But the choker issue had me going off to "The Cockpit(?)" a few doors down. They agreed to hold my gloves until I came back.
I didn't know what I was getting myself into there. They had some of the craziest shit I've ever seen! Damn it! Fuck bondage, fuck domination, they had stuff for sadomasochists there! For example, they had what appeared to be steel dildos and butt-plungers that dwarfed my very own well-endowment. They had snippers and all manner of torture tools. What does someone do with those??? My eyes scanned over my path for the nearest exit: I wanted out. I think I finally understood how the poor hamster felt in that one episode of South Park where Mr. Garrison used that Bunsen Burner tube to... if you watch South Park I needn't explain any further. If you don't, understand that I just wanted to leave ASAP.
Before I got out, the guy at the front told me he knew what I needed and showed me an arm band that doubles for a choker. Well, I'll be damned, it was perfect. I had my choker!
I bought my gloves at Lava Lounge, where I ran into Michael, the ex husband of my Chiropractor, who appeared to have reclaimed his youth now that he's single again, complete with a very sexy girlfriend. How fucked up is that? Julie and Michael in one day. Is God trying to tell me something?
Well, I went home, put the make-up on, got totally dressed. I looked killer. All my work had indeed paid off. Tatiana came home and touched up my make-up a little and gave me a purse for the evening. Then Joanna arrived. She came in her Sexy French Maid outfit. Very sexy. But she nearly died when she saw me. At this point, I went by the alter-ego name of "Genesis" (thanks Mary!).
The rest of the night, in all it's splendid debauchery, will remain a secret between Joanna, our other friends and I. But I had a wonderful Halloween! I hope you did, too!
Check out my pic #1.
Looking for women's clothes can be embarrassing. But I needed to remain frugal and economical. Bras sucked at Lava Lounge and were unreasonable in price. So I went to Victoria's Secret in Southdale. There was some woman in there asking one of the employees for help finding an outfit for her Halloween costume. How odd. I can't remember what she said, but it was "a sexy" something-or-other. How predictable.
So, finally I got the girl to help me look for a bra to complete my sexy woman costume. She totally understood. "I have a couple friends going in drag tonight! That's awesome, let's see what we can find you!" This was going to be easier than I thought! But before we got very far, an older woman forced the girl who was helping me to go to the front and ring people up. Damn it. It's embarrassing enough to walk into a Victoria Secret as a man, by yourself, and explain that you are there to buy clothes for yourself, let alone having to explain it again to another woman.
But, like oh so many things, this was easier the second time around. I explained my predicament and she suggested a particular padded bra. It seemed a little minimalistic. But then she said, "You might have to stretch it. You can use a bra extender. But... then again, it might fit fine. Only way to know for sure is to try it on." WHAT? Here??? "I can't discriminate against you because of sex. There's no one back there right now. Go back and try it on. It will save you a trip." That's one of the last things I wanted to do. But she had a good point. So I went into the Victoria Secret dressing room.
The bra fit like a glove. I looked just like some of my favorite lovers from the past! Oh, except of course for the facial hair and chest hair (which would soon be gone). And the lack of hips and ass. Alright, so I looked like Matthew with a bra on.
I needed to get out of there ASAP. My manliness was raising objection to trying on women's clothes in a Victoria Secret. So, I went to go buy my stuff. But there was this terrible line! Shit! I would have to wait there with my bra in line. Man, I've got guts. But that's not all. In my haste I forgot to get a pair of panties. So the woman who helped me with the bra came to save the day. I explained my "package" problem and she grabbed a pair of cotton panties for me as I waited in line. How nice of her. I said, "Well, now you're got your story for the week!" She answered "Oh, I could write a book!" What the fuck was that supposed to mean?
So, I needed a choker to cover my manly Adam's apple with. They said for me to go to Express. I headed on over but was attacked in transit by a kiosk worker with a French accent and what I came to believe was a fifth-degree black belt in Fong-Kwon-Do (or "Aggressive Sales Tactics," for those who don't speak Korean). She started by putting this spider-type thing on my skull. That wasn't fair because I nearly passed out. It was a massage tool that came in a childlike container. Man, it put a spell on me. She tried to make me buy two for $40. But I was like, no. She said one for $25. I said no way. She said one for $20 because she thought I was nice. That was the right answer. I gave her my plastic. But then she started pushing it. Alright, what about the other one for $15 dollars. $35 for two! No, baby. Then she leaned in and whispered at me, "Since this is my first sale of the day, I'll give the second one to you for $10. That $30 for two." I started wondering what the mark-up must have been. She put the spider shaped thing on my head again. What an evil bitch! She was worse than a lap-dance-happy stripper. No, woman! One, and I'm outta here! So she kindly rung me up and I left, dazed and not entirely understanding what had just happened. On a good note, the bag she gave me was big enough for me to put the pink Victoria Secret bag in. Whew!
Eventually I stumbled into the Express on the second floor to find a bunch of terrible chokers. They said I should go to Claire's, but I saw no Claire's there. Feeling ashamed of myself for buying this worthless spider-thing from the French girl, I scurried out of the mall.
Off to St. Sabrina's. All cheesy bondage nonsense. Heartbreaker. All tiny. Urban Outfitters. They not only didn't seem to have any, the girls there looked at me like they were angry at me. See ya! Express Uptown. Nuttin. This was where they started recommending that I make one using arts and crafts techniques. Fuck that! I checked a few Calhoun Square kiosks. That's when I ran into Julie, a woman who used to work at my Chiropractor's Office. We talked a while, I asked her about good chokers she suggested the arts and crafts way. Again, fuck that. I left. Ragstock. Some chick suggested these childish, plastic, lame-ass, spike-lined - fuck it, they were so bad I won't even bother trying to explain. I left and drove home.
I shaved off all my frontal body hair, pulled the random hairs on my shoulders, touched up my brows and got rid of that annoying patch of hair on the small of my back. Well, the bra looked great with my corset. I looked gorgeous. But I still needed the choker and some gloves. Back to Lava Lounge.
They had my gloves. But the choker issue had me going off to "The Cockpit(?)" a few doors down. They agreed to hold my gloves until I came back.
I didn't know what I was getting myself into there. They had some of the craziest shit I've ever seen! Damn it! Fuck bondage, fuck domination, they had stuff for sadomasochists there! For example, they had what appeared to be steel dildos and butt-plungers that dwarfed my very own well-endowment. They had snippers and all manner of torture tools. What does someone do with those??? My eyes scanned over my path for the nearest exit: I wanted out. I think I finally understood how the poor hamster felt in that one episode of South Park where Mr. Garrison used that Bunsen Burner tube to... if you watch South Park I needn't explain any further. If you don't, understand that I just wanted to leave ASAP.
Before I got out, the guy at the front told me he knew what I needed and showed me an arm band that doubles for a choker. Well, I'll be damned, it was perfect. I had my choker!
I bought my gloves at Lava Lounge, where I ran into Michael, the ex husband of my Chiropractor, who appeared to have reclaimed his youth now that he's single again, complete with a very sexy girlfriend. How fucked up is that? Julie and Michael in one day. Is God trying to tell me something?
Well, I went home, put the make-up on, got totally dressed. I looked killer. All my work had indeed paid off. Tatiana came home and touched up my make-up a little and gave me a purse for the evening. Then Joanna arrived. She came in her Sexy French Maid outfit. Very sexy. But she nearly died when she saw me. At this point, I went by the alter-ego name of "Genesis" (thanks Mary!).
The rest of the night, in all it's splendid debauchery, will remain a secret between Joanna, our other friends and I. But I had a wonderful Halloween! I hope you did, too!
Check out my pic #1.