found my tirade last year about halloween, thought i'd re-print it:
HALLOWEEN RULES FOR LOSERS WHO DON'T GET IT:
1. HALLOWEEN IS FOR KIDS. i'm not saying if you're not a kid get over it, but you have to understand that if you're older than 15, you are basically acting like a jackass. so keep that in mind.
2. FUCK YOUR "SEXY" COSTUME. First off, you're not that good looking, we're just drunk. But that shit should be left in the bedroom only. We KNOW you're there with your boyfriend or best friend or someone else and you're not in a million years going home with us, so THANKS for rubbing that shit in, asshole.
3. BY THE SAME TOKEN, FUCK GUYS USING HALLOWEEN AS YET ANOTHER TIRED EXCUSE TO GET LAID. "Oh my god, seeing your blubber ass in a toga is so hot! Normally you'd look like a date-rapist wearing some abercrombie shit and have gel in your hair with sandals but right now you look JUST LIKE A FREAKING ROMAN EMPORER AND MY VAGINA IS NOW YOURS!"
4. YOUR COSTUME IS NOT THAT FUNNY. And even if it is, costumes are supposed to be funny, so stop being so fucking smug. You're wearing a costume, lame, you're not cool.
5. IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOUR COSTUME TO FOUR OUT OF FIVE PEOPLE, GO HOME AND TAKE IT OFF. It didn't work, no one gets it, you failed.
6. FUCK WEARING A COSTUME THAT ONLY YOUR FRIENDS GET. If only your friends get it, you're a dumbshit and you shouldn't be wearing it in public. In fact,
7. DON'T WEAR YOUR COSTUME TO THE BAR. Or anywhere but your friend's halloween party. Some of us came here to drink, not to have to look at your shitty costume all night.
8. FUCK TRYING TOO HARD, OR TRYING AT ALL. The only good kind of costume is one which is effortless. The ideal costume should cost less than ten bucks, be comfortable, and take less than a half an hour to put together.
9. YOU JUST PAID FIFTY BUCKS FOR SOME SHIT YOU'LL NEVER WEAR AGAIN! HAHA
10. DON'T WEAR ANYTHING THAT WOULD GROSS OUT A KID OR YOUR MOM. Halloween is FOR kids, jack, so don't wear a priest costume with a cabbage patch kid taped to the crotch. We don't wanna know how shitty and fucked up your sense of humor is, and it's not a good costume anyway.
11. NICE TRY, ASSHOLE. If you are trying for something and fail, give that shit up. In Bedford last night (which blows) there was a group that obviously wanted to dress up like Baseball Furies from the Warriors. Great Idea, but hard to execute. Instead they dressed up in bullshit orange and red, got a bunch of brooms, and called themselves "Curling Furies". YOU FUCKS SUCK. I am perhaps the only person who got it and it made me want to shit on your eyes.
12. ALSO: if you are walking down the street and see someone doing your costume but way better, go home and change. i did this myself. there's no shame in being bested, but take it like a man.
13: I know i already made a point of it, but FUCK CHICKS WHO DRESS LIKE SLUTS WHO AREN'T SLUTS! I mean, fine, you're a lady, but you are wearing fucking gym shorts that are two inches long and a tight t-shirt or a mini that looks like a napkin and i'm a little drunk, so yeah, i might make a bit of a pass at you. and then you pull out the worst attitude i've ever seen. You suck. You are dressed like a tramp, NOT a cock-tease, so you should at least expect people to wanna treat you like one. Don't like it? Then don't wear a bullshit sexy costume anyway, prick.
14. DON'T DRESS AS A ZOMBIE. Almost no one can pull this off. Unless your jaw is falling off and we can see your ribcage and you have no arms and you look like you fucking mean it in general, i'll pass.
15. 90% OF COSTUMES ARE WEAK, SO IF IT'S NOT GREAT, PULL SOMETHING OUT NEXT YEAR.
HALLOWEEN RULES FOR LOSERS WHO DON'T GET IT:
1. HALLOWEEN IS FOR KIDS. i'm not saying if you're not a kid get over it, but you have to understand that if you're older than 15, you are basically acting like a jackass. so keep that in mind.
2. FUCK YOUR "SEXY" COSTUME. First off, you're not that good looking, we're just drunk. But that shit should be left in the bedroom only. We KNOW you're there with your boyfriend or best friend or someone else and you're not in a million years going home with us, so THANKS for rubbing that shit in, asshole.
3. BY THE SAME TOKEN, FUCK GUYS USING HALLOWEEN AS YET ANOTHER TIRED EXCUSE TO GET LAID. "Oh my god, seeing your blubber ass in a toga is so hot! Normally you'd look like a date-rapist wearing some abercrombie shit and have gel in your hair with sandals but right now you look JUST LIKE A FREAKING ROMAN EMPORER AND MY VAGINA IS NOW YOURS!"
4. YOUR COSTUME IS NOT THAT FUNNY. And even if it is, costumes are supposed to be funny, so stop being so fucking smug. You're wearing a costume, lame, you're not cool.
5. IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOUR COSTUME TO FOUR OUT OF FIVE PEOPLE, GO HOME AND TAKE IT OFF. It didn't work, no one gets it, you failed.
6. FUCK WEARING A COSTUME THAT ONLY YOUR FRIENDS GET. If only your friends get it, you're a dumbshit and you shouldn't be wearing it in public. In fact,
7. DON'T WEAR YOUR COSTUME TO THE BAR. Or anywhere but your friend's halloween party. Some of us came here to drink, not to have to look at your shitty costume all night.
8. FUCK TRYING TOO HARD, OR TRYING AT ALL. The only good kind of costume is one which is effortless. The ideal costume should cost less than ten bucks, be comfortable, and take less than a half an hour to put together.
9. YOU JUST PAID FIFTY BUCKS FOR SOME SHIT YOU'LL NEVER WEAR AGAIN! HAHA
10. DON'T WEAR ANYTHING THAT WOULD GROSS OUT A KID OR YOUR MOM. Halloween is FOR kids, jack, so don't wear a priest costume with a cabbage patch kid taped to the crotch. We don't wanna know how shitty and fucked up your sense of humor is, and it's not a good costume anyway.
11. NICE TRY, ASSHOLE. If you are trying for something and fail, give that shit up. In Bedford last night (which blows) there was a group that obviously wanted to dress up like Baseball Furies from the Warriors. Great Idea, but hard to execute. Instead they dressed up in bullshit orange and red, got a bunch of brooms, and called themselves "Curling Furies". YOU FUCKS SUCK. I am perhaps the only person who got it and it made me want to shit on your eyes.
12. ALSO: if you are walking down the street and see someone doing your costume but way better, go home and change. i did this myself. there's no shame in being bested, but take it like a man.
13: I know i already made a point of it, but FUCK CHICKS WHO DRESS LIKE SLUTS WHO AREN'T SLUTS! I mean, fine, you're a lady, but you are wearing fucking gym shorts that are two inches long and a tight t-shirt or a mini that looks like a napkin and i'm a little drunk, so yeah, i might make a bit of a pass at you. and then you pull out the worst attitude i've ever seen. You suck. You are dressed like a tramp, NOT a cock-tease, so you should at least expect people to wanna treat you like one. Don't like it? Then don't wear a bullshit sexy costume anyway, prick.
14. DON'T DRESS AS A ZOMBIE. Almost no one can pull this off. Unless your jaw is falling off and we can see your ribcage and you have no arms and you look like you fucking mean it in general, i'll pass.
15. 90% OF COSTUMES ARE WEAK, SO IF IT'S NOT GREAT, PULL SOMETHING OUT NEXT YEAR.
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