sissy

grr... dammit... i am fumbling... scattered... i was doin okay, talking to my ex... she remains my best friend, which can be really hard sometimes... it was going fine, good even, then her new woman showed up at her house unexpectedly... sometimes i feel like i'm begging for that kind of punishment...

parts of me believe that a new relationship would be poison for me right now... other parts think that having a new relationship is the only way i can be okay with her having one... in other words, i want to be in a new relationship for all the wrong reasons... ... how pitiful is that? ugh...

no man is an island... can i be? i wish i could sometimes... like now... if i had never known that kind of love and dependence i wouldn't know what i was missing... as it stands, it hurts a lot... but i was so happy then... my biggest hope is just to match that again someday... until that time i don't feel whole... being incomplete gives me motivation... a reason to work... to work at completing myself... gawd...

sometimes i wear myself out with all this introspection shit... enough already... ... life can be so goddamn messy...

i'll live... blah...

ps.
i want tattoos... i'm saving up slowly, but i just calculated how much my next check is gonna be and i was pleasantly surprised... i have been working my ass off, getting more than full time hours... they love me there... anyways, i may be able to get poked sooner than i thought, and i might not have to skip any bills in order to make it happen... fucking aye ... we'll see... cross ya fingas for me... wanna start on a big flowerey leg piece by jen billig, who's flower work is simply stunning in my opinion... native flowers... lots of them... so i'll be running around in the flowers all the time... i put her site as my wishlist, because i want tattoo work more than i want almost anything right now... anything i can buy anyway... ...

i guess you have to hurt to heal... healing feels so good...