I very nearly gave up last night. The pain was all too much. Every bad thing that's happened to me seemed to snowball into one big hit of sadness last night. I felt like no one would really care if I were suddenly gone. People would notice my absence, maybe send a message or two, and when I don't respond they just assume I've lost interest in them so they never message me again. They'd eventually forget about me completely, and I'd be nothing more than a whisper in people's crowded conversations. I've never done anything worthy of remembering, I've never achieved anything great, I've not left my mark on the world like I wanted to. I'm just a small flame in a room full of bonfires that's easily snuffed out. I am no one significant. I am just another ghost. If I were to disappear tomorrow, my absence wouldn't make news, it wouldn't even cause a ripple in the world around me. I wouldn't leave any money to fight over, I wouldn't have a legacy to leave behind, and I wouldn't leave an inspiring mark on the world. I'd just be forgotten. Never to be thought of again.
I guess this is the thought that inspires me to keep fighting. The idea that my job on this planet hasn't been done yet is what fuels my fire. I NEED to leave a mark. I NEED the world to know who I am. I WANT my death to make news, I want to be important, inspiring, I want to be a success. I also have a lot of people to prove wrong, a lot of people who would relish in my failure, they need to see me succeed so that they know I'm not weak. I'm a fighter, a soldier, a warrior. I'm a strong woman who can deal with anything, even though tears may fall, hugs may be needed, a mans touch may be necessary to get me through weakness, I AM a tough girl who can withstand ANYTHING. I won't give up, because giving up is admitting defeat. It's letting my enemies win, it's letting the world know I was too weak to carry on, and that everyone's assumptions about my weaknesses were correct. I won't give them the satisfaction of seeing me fail.
I will win this fight, and I will come out at the end with happiness, strength, and experience.
