Hi guys!
I have been feeling very bad lately and I have a huge problem to tell people close to me who speak Polish. I'm a bit ashamed that they will start to point their fingers at me and harass me. I have the courage today and I want to open myself to you. My life was not a bed of roses, I come from a pathological family. My father drank and beat my mother when I was little, my mother drank and tried to escape. Once escaped, she got caught. This escape made her develop myasthenia gravis and several different diseases. I looked after her and she looked after me. All my life she seemed to be my best friend until time. I have been ill for several years - at first it was depression, numerous suicide attempts until it came to the fact that I cried all day every day, it was not sobbing - it was a roar. I wanted to die badly, I felt emptiness and pain fill me. That nobody loves me, I'm alone with all this. Alone with an alcoholic mother and retarded brother. That Im too poor to send my mom to the alcoholism rescue center, because I pay the loans I took because she forced me to open a company for her (company collapsed because she was sick and falling into alcoholism). That I'm useless and I don't know what to do. When I couldn't stand my body anymore and I hated him so much that I tried to push my fiancé away - I went to a psychologist. It turned out that I have a bordeline and that my friendship with my mother is a toxic relationship that is devastating me. From month to month, it turned out that a person who should love me immeasurably - abused me mentally. That all my life I tried to do everything she wanted to please her, that she would not drink, not tell me all these annoyances, not blackmail. I discovered that I really don't know who I am because she never let me be myself and never let me feel that she loves me the way I am and not what she wants me to be. Today is the day when I want to take it to the chest. Lift this weight and be free. I decided to move in and look for myself. I have such a request for you - all those who feel alien in their bodies, intruders in their lives - go to the doctor. Don't be afraid to seek help. You can get out of everything. Despite conviction, human is never completely alone. If you have a problem and are afraid to tell someone, write to me. I will hear you.
Love,
Sinni
