sinemetu

so my life is a bit interesting right now. 1. im probably the most emotionally stable ive ever been in my memory. its definitely not because of lack of stress but maybe I have finally reached clarity. 2. I'm happy with my body and my lifestyle. I am no longer turning to binge drinking for answers. The more I reflect the more I realize how dumb I was in the past lesson learned. 3. im struggling to find a photographer in Philly that i can really trust to shoot the set I want. ive filled all my hopeful paperwork. Now I just keep on the emails and stalking of sorts. 4. the big issue. I believe that tomorrow is the day I need to decide about my father. Hes very very ill in Atlanta. I live in philly a hike away. one of my friends who has really become one of my closest has volunteered to go with me. I dont want to go. I couldnt sleep a few weeks ago and something triggered me to start googling him. I look back now and believe that was him saying goodbye. I know that if I was ever leaning a machine to keep me alive and i had no response Id like to be let go. However its not me and another human life. i think im kinda numb to everything because I have no memories with this man. Only pictures. i like having pictures of him smiling and healthy and no tubes or wires. I wish i knew someone who had been in the same situation who could help me. all i can think of is the quote from Donnie Darko that every creature on this earth dies alone. death is sucha scary thing to look right into the face. im hoping the peace i have with the situation isnt looked at as morbid. But I always make decisions knowing in the back of my mind that I cant change them and that people can judge but no one else can live my life for me. life is a fickle creature making sure to keep me on my toes at all times. i love being able to write everything out and to get it out of my head. of to get ready for work i go. thanks for letting me share as always. and send me any suggestions for photographer asap please
xoxox
me