o boy am im a mess of a girl..yesterday i went to a wedding with the boy i refer to my best friend. we met last year and i was in lust with the girl from pittsburgh. at the time i had no idea how dumb i was being. u can read my past blogs about it. we spent new years together he bought me a ticket to tool for christmas. we had fun. i just told him i couldnt be with him because i had all these feelings for someone else. it broke his heart. we sat in front my house in his truck when i told him the news. it took a few weeks but i missed him and we started to talk again and he became one of the only people i can truely talk to and trust. he always answers my calls in the middle of the night with my anxiety attacks but never did i realize what was happening. i was falling. hard. i dont know if it was the breakup with my ex or just me thinking and clearing out my life that i realized how much i cared for him. so yesterday he came to pick me up for his brothers wedding and we stopped at the gas station to grab red bull on the way. all dolled up i just wanted to hold his hand in line and i realized how bad i had fallen and i had to say something. but how? through out the day in the car i had to keep myself from staring. as we got to the hotel and watched the guys get dressed. i was jealous. i know hes met someone else and this is someone else's handsome boy. after his speech i finally told him. i held his hand bc i couldnt hold myself back anymore. it felt amazing. through out the night i enjoyed it for what it was. i knew im not one for a fairy tale ending. i had my chance and screwed up. when we finally got back to my house we sat in the truck and talked. parked in the same spot as months before. i remember crying and trying not to ball. the irony of life. to be in the same exact place having the same emotions with the bodies switched. he still wants to be friends. but its so tough to have to see him and make these feelings go away.it makes things so complicated bc i dont want to sit and wait but i dont want to meet someone else and our timing wiill never be right. i keep hoping hes going to call me and say he wants the same thing and we can just be happy. i know we both deserve to be happy. if it was easy it wouldnt be life. now i just have to figure out how to find a medium and not lose my best friend. i cant imagine my life without him. 