sinemetu

I'm sitting in Chicago on a layover back home. I went to Kentucky to get closure from the boy. Boy am I ready to be on my own. I'm Thinkin of really finding a therapist to help me work through my anxiety and help me learn to be alone. I obviously have no idea how to truely function without the constant need for body warmth and some sort of attention realizing now positive or negative still is feeding my need. It's sicking. I know my problems my weaknesses and still try to establish relationships and struggle with friendships bc I self sabatoge. I think a lot about how if I didn't have dogs I would check into a hospital as a retreat and rest my mind and get to the bottom of who I am. What if I'm bipolar or a manic depressive? Hollywood glorifies disease with Marilyn Monroe and Anna nicole smith. Sad part is , if I ever has the money I know I'd end up like them dead in a hotel room self medicating not sure how to handle life. Btw sitting in the airport watching people travel makes me wonder how our economy is falling apart. If we are so broke shouldn't this place be empty?! People shuffling with kids and dogs, drinking at 7 am, kids with ice cream cones for breakfast it's like a fantasy land. I wish I could stop people and take their pictures . But who would want to see the photos? My brain is turning to mush just thinking and hoping. I did however realize I am no longer afraid of flying. As we descended this morning I realized I had probably jumped out from a higher elevation. I need to sky dive again. It's the only thing in the past I can remember that has made me feel alive. That's all I want is to feel alive.