sinemetu

lost my other half tonight..after a ridick battle while i was working only to call him and get screamed at. ive concluded this is the end. i know tomorrow there may be a phone call. but i cant answer. i dont know why i put my self in these situations where i just get hurt. he texted me the other day and told me how much i mean to him and that hes falling in love. meanwhile hes hours away in another state with nothing left to do but think. i thought maybe it was a realization. the next day i woke up to flowers on my doorstep. and then today just pure anger. i know he has anger issues but why should I be the one try to fix them. Everyone has their issues. i guess im just used to being around people who see them and realize when they are shining through. I was supposed to leave friday morning to go see him. obviously the one trip i planned this summer isnt going to happen. ive been working my ass off to make this work. btw he hasnt worked in over a month and doesnt feel he needs to because he works a free internship 3 days a week. the more i write and think the more i realize how wrong ive been treated. it just sucks bc when we were good it was great. i wasnt sad i didnt feel like i needed anything. i know ive said it before but i really think i need a change. a sell my shit and move and see the world type stuff. i have this wicked knot in my throat because i just want to cry and cant. i just dont want to cry anymore about how a guy who i deserved better is gone. i put up walls for a reason and when i put them down they come crashing down and im left in a pile of rubble. i hate being alone but yearn for companionship and love. i know their is a medium. i also know time will heal what im feeling and ill throw myself into a project or a few bottles of booze but i need to get to the root of my demise and find a way to be in a healthy loving relationship. i know i cant wander this earth alone forever. its not healthy.