Why do I feel like when I reach out to touch the world it bites me?
Why do I lick my wounds just to have them bleed again?
Is my heart made whole just to break?
Am I to die fighting the urge to jump off that cliff, just to have someone push me?
Why am I never good enough?
Why am I having to struggle through this life?
I have chosen to fight back! I just can't live with all this selfishness that makes this world reek of rotting flesh! If each planet had a smell, this one would smell like rot! It would smell of the pain we inflict on each other. The words that cut deep and make shit smell like roses!
Like I said in my last entry, I HATE people right now! I can't step out my front door without watching some asshole laugh as he destorys property, or see some girl crying as her husband or boyfriend leaves, or see some little punk kid terrorize the neighbor's dog, or have some little kid play tricks on the "mentally challenged" child that sits outside his door. I can't stand driving down the street anymore without watching some jackass get his kicks out of life by speeding down the street just to be ahead of everyone!
Why does everything seem superficial and meaningless? I have come to the conclusion that I want to live inside my head and never come out! I have considered many options that would allow me to keep to myself....I have thought about checking myself into a mental instiution, and I have thought about just never leaving my apartment until they come kick me out! I have seriously considered being homeless, so that way I don't have to keep up pretenses and an image, and I have SERIOUSLY considered becoming catholic and checking into a abby in some northern scandanavian country where I could enjoy the beauty of the landscape and get to know a few of the locals when we go out and do our community service project......but what everything comes down to....is I want to be alone.
My heart has been broken enough, whether by my own choosing or at the hand of others, and I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT!!!! I have decided to fight that feeling for everything I am worth!
What I keep telling myself, is that most guys don't give a shit about other's feeling and how their actions and choices affect others. I watch it happen! Most guys think they have deep feelings, but they don't. If ONE single guy could step into the heart and mind of a BROKEN woman, they would kill themselves. If a woman stepped into a broken man, I guarentee she would find relief. Yeah, she would feel the pain, but the pain is NOT near as deep as it is felt in a woman.
If it wasn't for a woman, there would be very little compassion in this world.
I am so sorry to be such a man hater right now! I really am, but I have only ever seen three examples of real men, my dad, and my cousin and my brother.......yes, they have their faults, but 1) I have never heard them lie, or even caught them in a lie 2) they never objectify women in ANY sense 3) they know the difference between respecting a woman and treating her like an equal 4) they know when to let a fight go and when to step up 5) they seem to know when to push someone in the right direction and when to let that person do their own thing 6) they are not insensitive (for the most part)........I could go on and on....but what it comes down to is that they want to live a life a doing the right thing even at the expense of their own comfort! I wish I could say I was exagerating, but I am not. (and I am not biased...unfortunately that explaination as to why I am not would take months to explain)
I am NEVER going to settle for less than what those men have shown me. And if that means being single forever, then I will be happy knowing I lived my life to the best of my ability.
I seriously don't know anything better than living a life based on truth and doing the right thing.
Right now, I feel like there is no equal for me. Perhaps its because I search for truth pretending God doesn't exist so all those "church" guys seem like losers to me, then I feel like all those "academic" guys are not really searching for the truth, just a way to prove that they are right, the "nerds" just are too into their own worlds to even care about what I think about things, "jocks" haha (nothing in common), "sensitive" well, maybe, but I cry too much, and to have him cry too...perhaps not.......and maybe, just maybe, I am being too picky, but I am NEVER going to settle and I have just never seen character in a man that I say "hey, I want that!".......
My heart belongs to me now.......he will have to rip it from me with the jaws of life.......
Sorry for the long blog.....I just had to get this out! Chalk it up to psycho-babble!
Not Pretty Enough
Why do I lick my wounds just to have them bleed again?
Is my heart made whole just to break?
Am I to die fighting the urge to jump off that cliff, just to have someone push me?
Why am I never good enough?
Why am I having to struggle through this life?
I have chosen to fight back! I just can't live with all this selfishness that makes this world reek of rotting flesh! If each planet had a smell, this one would smell like rot! It would smell of the pain we inflict on each other. The words that cut deep and make shit smell like roses!
Like I said in my last entry, I HATE people right now! I can't step out my front door without watching some asshole laugh as he destorys property, or see some girl crying as her husband or boyfriend leaves, or see some little punk kid terrorize the neighbor's dog, or have some little kid play tricks on the "mentally challenged" child that sits outside his door. I can't stand driving down the street anymore without watching some jackass get his kicks out of life by speeding down the street just to be ahead of everyone!
Why does everything seem superficial and meaningless? I have come to the conclusion that I want to live inside my head and never come out! I have considered many options that would allow me to keep to myself....I have thought about checking myself into a mental instiution, and I have thought about just never leaving my apartment until they come kick me out! I have seriously considered being homeless, so that way I don't have to keep up pretenses and an image, and I have SERIOUSLY considered becoming catholic and checking into a abby in some northern scandanavian country where I could enjoy the beauty of the landscape and get to know a few of the locals when we go out and do our community service project......but what everything comes down to....is I want to be alone.
My heart has been broken enough, whether by my own choosing or at the hand of others, and I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT!!!! I have decided to fight that feeling for everything I am worth!
What I keep telling myself, is that most guys don't give a shit about other's feeling and how their actions and choices affect others. I watch it happen! Most guys think they have deep feelings, but they don't. If ONE single guy could step into the heart and mind of a BROKEN woman, they would kill themselves. If a woman stepped into a broken man, I guarentee she would find relief. Yeah, she would feel the pain, but the pain is NOT near as deep as it is felt in a woman.
If it wasn't for a woman, there would be very little compassion in this world.
I am so sorry to be such a man hater right now! I really am, but I have only ever seen three examples of real men, my dad, and my cousin and my brother.......yes, they have their faults, but 1) I have never heard them lie, or even caught them in a lie 2) they never objectify women in ANY sense 3) they know the difference between respecting a woman and treating her like an equal 4) they know when to let a fight go and when to step up 5) they seem to know when to push someone in the right direction and when to let that person do their own thing 6) they are not insensitive (for the most part)........I could go on and on....but what it comes down to is that they want to live a life a doing the right thing even at the expense of their own comfort! I wish I could say I was exagerating, but I am not. (and I am not biased...unfortunately that explaination as to why I am not would take months to explain)
I am NEVER going to settle for less than what those men have shown me. And if that means being single forever, then I will be happy knowing I lived my life to the best of my ability.
I seriously don't know anything better than living a life based on truth and doing the right thing.
Right now, I feel like there is no equal for me. Perhaps its because I search for truth pretending God doesn't exist so all those "church" guys seem like losers to me, then I feel like all those "academic" guys are not really searching for the truth, just a way to prove that they are right, the "nerds" just are too into their own worlds to even care about what I think about things, "jocks" haha (nothing in common), "sensitive" well, maybe, but I cry too much, and to have him cry too...perhaps not.......and maybe, just maybe, I am being too picky, but I am NEVER going to settle and I have just never seen character in a man that I say "hey, I want that!".......
My heart belongs to me now.......he will have to rip it from me with the jaws of life.......
Sorry for the long blog.....I just had to get this out! Chalk it up to psycho-babble!
Not Pretty Enough
synema:
Cute hair! I really like it
