So yeah, I am addicted to Barlowgirl! But I don't care! I LOVE them...no...wait....heart them....don't want to leave the wrong impression! 
Ok, so I have been having this dream.
I go to an arcade bar (um, well, its like this bar that serves alcohol, but you play pool and video games all nite, it is kind of an 80s theme with pac man and space invaders!) with a few friends from work and somehow I get separated from them during the course of the nite. I remember wondering around looking for them and this guy comes up to me and offers me a drink.
We sit down to watch some of his buddies play pool. The next thing I remember is sitting next to him and my shirt and hair are a mess! I don't remember anything from the past 10 hours! I panic, the guy who bought me a drink is snickering and all his buddies are staring and laughing at me! I realize he had slipped that damn date rape drug in my drink and he and his buddies had their fun with me.
Ok, nightmare territory hits hard! I can't wake myself up because I slowly realize I am dreaming and I can't find anyone to help me! I leave the bar and the guy and his buddies follow me laughing and saying crude jokes about my weight and call me a slut! I start to cry hystrically and I go to find anyone who will help me! Those rapists follow me everywhere and scare anyone away that tries to help. I go through EVERY single person in my life and NO one will even help me! I can feel them closing in around me. I get even more scared! I feel like I am going to be raped again!
I cry out to my mom for help, she comes running but when she tries to help or even tries to take some sort of legal action she just somehow gives up. I can't explain it, it felt like she was just giving up on me. Like I wasn't important enough to help anymore.
Once that realization comes to me I give up. I fall to the ground and let them take me........
...Ok....so that dream has made me miserable ALL the fucking week! My conclusion and feelings are that I am a quiter! I quit when things get too tough and the people around me don't want to help! I quit! I AM A QUITER!!!
I told my mom that dream and she said that she feels like I am crying out for someone to help me and that I feel people are turning their backs on me. She might be right to some degree. I guess I do feel like people just give up on me, they see me once and want to help, but when it becomes too intense, they give up. They look at me and say.."well, I guess there is not much else I can do"....and they go on with their life without a second thought to me!
But what scared me the most, was that I quit on myself. I just gave up becasue others didn't want to help me. I felt abandoned and alone, and I didn't want to be alone. So I just gave up and let them hurt me again.
I AM NO DAMN QUITER! NOT ANYMORE! I am going to try and be strong and not quit even when others in my life do. I am going to find my niche and focus so hard that no amount of anything will distract me!
I know I posted this video a few entries back.....but I keep playing this song over and over for like the past week because despite my resolve to be strong, in the end, when I fall to the bottom of the darkness I don't want to be down there alone. I want someone to hold me! Even if they invisible!
Never Alone
Ok, so I have been having this dream.
I go to an arcade bar (um, well, its like this bar that serves alcohol, but you play pool and video games all nite, it is kind of an 80s theme with pac man and space invaders!) with a few friends from work and somehow I get separated from them during the course of the nite. I remember wondering around looking for them and this guy comes up to me and offers me a drink.
We sit down to watch some of his buddies play pool. The next thing I remember is sitting next to him and my shirt and hair are a mess! I don't remember anything from the past 10 hours! I panic, the guy who bought me a drink is snickering and all his buddies are staring and laughing at me! I realize he had slipped that damn date rape drug in my drink and he and his buddies had their fun with me.
Ok, nightmare territory hits hard! I can't wake myself up because I slowly realize I am dreaming and I can't find anyone to help me! I leave the bar and the guy and his buddies follow me laughing and saying crude jokes about my weight and call me a slut! I start to cry hystrically and I go to find anyone who will help me! Those rapists follow me everywhere and scare anyone away that tries to help. I go through EVERY single person in my life and NO one will even help me! I can feel them closing in around me. I get even more scared! I feel like I am going to be raped again!
I cry out to my mom for help, she comes running but when she tries to help or even tries to take some sort of legal action she just somehow gives up. I can't explain it, it felt like she was just giving up on me. Like I wasn't important enough to help anymore.
Once that realization comes to me I give up. I fall to the ground and let them take me........
...Ok....so that dream has made me miserable ALL the fucking week! My conclusion and feelings are that I am a quiter! I quit when things get too tough and the people around me don't want to help! I quit! I AM A QUITER!!!
I told my mom that dream and she said that she feels like I am crying out for someone to help me and that I feel people are turning their backs on me. She might be right to some degree. I guess I do feel like people just give up on me, they see me once and want to help, but when it becomes too intense, they give up. They look at me and say.."well, I guess there is not much else I can do"....and they go on with their life without a second thought to me!
But what scared me the most, was that I quit on myself. I just gave up becasue others didn't want to help me. I felt abandoned and alone, and I didn't want to be alone. So I just gave up and let them hurt me again.
I AM NO DAMN QUITER! NOT ANYMORE! I am going to try and be strong and not quit even when others in my life do. I am going to find my niche and focus so hard that no amount of anything will distract me!
I know I posted this video a few entries back.....but I keep playing this song over and over for like the past week because despite my resolve to be strong, in the end, when I fall to the bottom of the darkness I don't want to be down there alone. I want someone to hold me! Even if they invisible!
Never Alone
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I have this thing where I really hate any picture of me that exists, so I don't post very many. It's not something I plan on getting over anytime soon.