silverglass25

I see people everyday just hanging out on their porches or at the swimming pool and thoughts cross my mind: what are their lives like? Is it easier, harder, or the same as mine? Do people really hurt this much all the time? Is there any relief from the pain? Is life just pain and moments of peace the exception? Who are we? What are we? We are human, but what does that mean? Is human just an idea or is it the only real thing?
Why does emptiness have to be painful? I see my soul as a glowing entity with large black spots like black holes that are sucking the hope and joy from life. I see it and I know I cant fill the holes. I just cant! I have tried covering them up, I have tried to be positive. I have tried to stop just doing anything at all. I have tried breaking all my rules. I have tried new things and experiences. I have reached out to people, I have tried to stay closed in tight so no one can get to me, I have tried all exteremes. I have been to the far reaches of heaven and hell and I am still marked with black holes that take all the good things out of my life.
I can see them reach out their inky blackness and poison the hearts around me. I can see them working against me. I can see them laughing at me and I am helpless. People say to persevere and you will come out right in the end. But what does that mean?
Is this what life is? A constant struggle against oneself? Against forces unseen that threaten the will to live? Am I to lose all that I love? Am I to loose love itself?
As much as I dont want to admit it, but songs like when a man loves a woman make me cry EVERY time I hear it. I love movies like You've Got Mail, and A Walk to Remember because it seems like life is painful but in the end love keeps them warm and close. I know that will never be me. I know it because of the darkness that lives inside. I am battle weary and worn. I need the hand of God to reach down and give me just enough strength to keep fighting, because I know that if I fall I am not getting back up again.

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There is only one rest I get......that is in my head.....in my dreams......into a place that no one can go but me.......

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but I should also say that other people don't always walk away because of me, sometimes I walk away because of them......

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Finally check out Jamie Cullum....song...ALL AT SEA

ok, I know this might be weird in light of what I just said.....but I was thinking....it would be so nice to have a little girl....a girl that I could read bedtime stories to, that I could go on walks with, that I could help with homework, we could shopping together, go to the movies, talk about life, and just have each other......you know....it would be nice.....

Ok this is just for fun!