My shampoo smells like grapes! 
I have been taking baths at nites instead of showers because I love sinking deep down into the water and just letting the whole world be heard through the distortion of the water.
I think about in the movie Daredevil, how he sleeps in this chamber of water and I become so jealous! I wish I could sleep in warm vanilla smelling water and wake up feeling clean and refreshed and smelling of sweet vanilla.
And then there are times when I wish I could sleep in a coffin under ground...I want the safety of the dark and thought of no one being able to distrub me. I used to get freaked out at the thought of sleeping in pitch blackness. I used to be afraid that things would sneak up on me in the dark and they would be able to see me, but I couldn't see them and I would be helpless. But over time, I came to not care. Now I feel like the dark washes away all my scares and worries. There is something comforting being wrapped in the absence of light but something also so scary about it.
I have been reading this book called Jesus Mean and Wild....now, I understand if you don't want to read any further...by all means stop....but I am going to keep going, if that is alright with you......
I grew up really fundamentalist christian and I was raised pretty strict by society rules, but pretty relaxed by fundamentalist rules....really...this concept is hard to explain....but basically I was sheltered...
I started off good, you know, "being the good christian"...I was intuitive and smart and I knew all the right things to say to earn points with the "christian" people around me. But I never fit in. I always felt some how off. Like I wasn't in the right place/enviornment. And truthfully I have never found that place. That place I fit in. That place where I can truely call home.
I got sick and tired of all the gossip and back stabbing, and uppity bitchy attitudes, the patronizing looks, and I even with my smarts, was never "one" of them, no matter how much I wanted to be. And heaven forbid, I did. I wanted to be little miss cheerleader, blonde athletic girl. I was brought up that that is what is acceptable not only to society, but to God as well.....................fuck that! I mean who are these people to even begin to know the thoughts of God!
Well, ok, so basically there is this whole christian attitude that Jesus was this nice guy and love means being nice and avoiding conflict and when my true personality started to show I was shot down again and again! I started to resent all this "niceness"....well, I walked away from church and all its fake people!
I don't want to worship a wimpy god that smiles and winks at our evil humanity. I want a God who tells people how it is. I am not going to waste my time with a wimp! People want a God that is like a grandfather who is always kind a generous! I don't! I want a God who challenges me to be better and helps me through it all!
ok, this is to end in a humorous note!
Army
I have been taking baths at nites instead of showers because I love sinking deep down into the water and just letting the whole world be heard through the distortion of the water.
I think about in the movie Daredevil, how he sleeps in this chamber of water and I become so jealous! I wish I could sleep in warm vanilla smelling water and wake up feeling clean and refreshed and smelling of sweet vanilla.
And then there are times when I wish I could sleep in a coffin under ground...I want the safety of the dark and thought of no one being able to distrub me. I used to get freaked out at the thought of sleeping in pitch blackness. I used to be afraid that things would sneak up on me in the dark and they would be able to see me, but I couldn't see them and I would be helpless. But over time, I came to not care. Now I feel like the dark washes away all my scares and worries. There is something comforting being wrapped in the absence of light but something also so scary about it.
I have been reading this book called Jesus Mean and Wild....now, I understand if you don't want to read any further...by all means stop....but I am going to keep going, if that is alright with you......
I grew up really fundamentalist christian and I was raised pretty strict by society rules, but pretty relaxed by fundamentalist rules....really...this concept is hard to explain....but basically I was sheltered...
I started off good, you know, "being the good christian"...I was intuitive and smart and I knew all the right things to say to earn points with the "christian" people around me. But I never fit in. I always felt some how off. Like I wasn't in the right place/enviornment. And truthfully I have never found that place. That place I fit in. That place where I can truely call home.
I got sick and tired of all the gossip and back stabbing, and uppity bitchy attitudes, the patronizing looks, and I even with my smarts, was never "one" of them, no matter how much I wanted to be. And heaven forbid, I did. I wanted to be little miss cheerleader, blonde athletic girl. I was brought up that that is what is acceptable not only to society, but to God as well.....................fuck that! I mean who are these people to even begin to know the thoughts of God!
Well, ok, so basically there is this whole christian attitude that Jesus was this nice guy and love means being nice and avoiding conflict and when my true personality started to show I was shot down again and again! I started to resent all this "niceness"....well, I walked away from church and all its fake people!
I don't want to worship a wimpy god that smiles and winks at our evil humanity. I want a God who tells people how it is. I am not going to waste my time with a wimp! People want a God that is like a grandfather who is always kind a generous! I don't! I want a God who challenges me to be better and helps me through it all!
ok, this is to end in a humorous note!
Army
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
I do much better one on one, but I get my enjoyment talking about things and from learning. "Pointless" social chit chat is hard for me; I am just not built to talk that way. However, I have become much better at conversation in that type of situation as I have grown older.
A key change for me, which seems to come with age, is loosing the feeling that I need to fit in and be accepted. I say, loosing that feeling, but I really mean that it has diminshed considerably, rather than gone completely. And as a paradox, I seem to be accepted more now that I don't try so much!
Other than changes from age, I have gained a lot from gaining a better understanding of the Introverted temparament and from the Myers Briggs test of personality. I recommend that you get a copy of the book "The Introvert Advantage". The author has some very good insights and you can learn a lot baout yourself from her book, and that makes it easier to accept yourself as you are.
I also recommend this personality test to find your Myers Briggs personality type. The online test is free, so its a good place to start, but learning about the introverted temperament was most signifigant to me.
My type is INTP, which means principally that I think logically rather than emotionally. Its a rare type (1%) and that's been another source of learning for me, about myself and about how other people think. Especially about people whose thinking is more based on emotion.
I wish I had found out more about these things when I was younger, because I am sure that my life would have been easier. I hope that you can gain something from the same study.