Bachelor Party! Woo Hoo!! Too bad the groom doesn't drink and is uncomfortable enough to the point of squirming in his chair when around strange women (fully-clothed, naked, nude, dancing, standing, or any combination thereof goes without saying), who doesn't like to get out - given the choice, and doesn't ascribe to the average definition of "fun" or "entertainment." Why no... how did my buddy get engaged, again?
Well, hats off to the guy anyhow. He followed my introvert brother's (unsuccessful) lead and joined a dating service site. The big lug got a hit in a few days, took the girl out on a couple of dates, and in a matter of weeks - yes, weeks - he had moved in with the poor girl. After two months, he popped the big one, and she said yes.True love on the first try(?)... I'll be damned if that's not going to be a hell of a long and rocky relationship.
Regardless, tonight we celebrate a young man's journey into wherever it is he's headed by "surprising" him with an utterly. riveting. campain of Dungeons and Dragons into the wee hours of the morning, fueling our spirits with mountain dew and cold pizza.
In my best Ben Stein impersonation - Can you feel the excitement?
It will literally be one of the most forgettable experiences of my life, without a doubt. Maybe we'll crank up the party into full steam by eating pop rocks and spinning around in office chairs and see who can burp the longest and loudest without vomiting, or try to light our farts on fire. Later, we'll probably pull out Dad's broken lockbox full of half-shredded, 1985 -1995 back issues of Hustler and Juggs (that appear to be covered in something that resembles dried up elmer's glue) and pretend we don't have boners by wrestling each other. Shirtless.
And then suck each other off to prove how gay we aren't. Afterwards it'll be time for a cathartic crying session, followed by latent homosexual realization diversion tactics - or, H.(a)R.D., "For when life's tough choices finally arrive" - Then we will toast the groom (and cover him in our special jelly... O_O) If things start getting a little out of hand, fear not! For the groom's parents will come down into the basement and warn us when we get too loud... I made up the parents in the basement bit, but the "party" won't be anywhere less-uncool enough to say that it wasn't in the groom's basement, so there. This is going to be one of the saddest, most pathetic bachelor parties to ever have the priveledge of setting the bar low enough for anyone in their right mind to be able to better than and not disgrace all things sacred and manly (which are actually one in the same) God. Damn. It.
Why did I agree to be one of his groomsmen in the first place? I guess it's for when I need a buddy to take a bullet for me. Better be damn well worth the half-assed preparation.
Well, hats off to the guy anyhow. He followed my introvert brother's (unsuccessful) lead and joined a dating service site. The big lug got a hit in a few days, took the girl out on a couple of dates, and in a matter of weeks - yes, weeks - he had moved in with the poor girl. After two months, he popped the big one, and she said yes.True love on the first try(?)... I'll be damned if that's not going to be a hell of a long and rocky relationship.
Regardless, tonight we celebrate a young man's journey into wherever it is he's headed by "surprising" him with an utterly. riveting. campain of Dungeons and Dragons into the wee hours of the morning, fueling our spirits with mountain dew and cold pizza.
In my best Ben Stein impersonation - Can you feel the excitement?
It will literally be one of the most forgettable experiences of my life, without a doubt. Maybe we'll crank up the party into full steam by eating pop rocks and spinning around in office chairs and see who can burp the longest and loudest without vomiting, or try to light our farts on fire. Later, we'll probably pull out Dad's broken lockbox full of half-shredded, 1985 -1995 back issues of Hustler and Juggs (that appear to be covered in something that resembles dried up elmer's glue) and pretend we don't have boners by wrestling each other. Shirtless.
And then suck each other off to prove how gay we aren't. Afterwards it'll be time for a cathartic crying session, followed by latent homosexual realization diversion tactics - or, H.(a)R.D., "For when life's tough choices finally arrive" - Then we will toast the groom (and cover him in our special jelly... O_O) If things start getting a little out of hand, fear not! For the groom's parents will come down into the basement and warn us when we get too loud... I made up the parents in the basement bit, but the "party" won't be anywhere less-uncool enough to say that it wasn't in the groom's basement, so there. This is going to be one of the saddest, most pathetic bachelor parties to ever have the priveledge of setting the bar low enough for anyone in their right mind to be able to better than and not disgrace all things sacred and manly (which are actually one in the same) God. Damn. It.
Why did I agree to be one of his groomsmen in the first place? I guess it's for when I need a buddy to take a bullet for me. Better be damn well worth the half-assed preparation.