o lately I have been feeling like no one really gives a shit about me but I have concluded that that is just my own frustration with life being turned on other people. I am pretty sure people don't secretly hate me, but I am sure that certain people seem to be less fake than others. Pretty much I have been bumming and have nothing to do all day other then peruse job sites and scoff at retail jobs. So that leaves me with way to much time to think.
I think that I am stuck in a cycle, and it is the same one that I have been stuck in since I was 17. All I really do is try and work or get depressed and do nothing all week then go get fucked up on Friday possible the rest of the weekend then go back to the same shit I did last week. I really want to break free of it but I really don't know how. Its a different world now then even 4 years ago, and I just feel like its conspiring against me to try and keep me in this rut that I seem to have turned into a large pit. I really think that being unemployed is killing me on the inside. I can have all the goals and dreams I can think up but in reality none of them will come true without money.
I think that that is a lot of where my paranoia towards people comes from these days too. Money is something that I have so little of yet everyone seems to want it all. Especially being friends with musicians, it seems to be a very predatory relationship. Somewhere along the way the line between fan and friend became the same thing. I do not for the life of me understand how someone can view me as morally obligated to go support their band because I am their friend. If I were to make up flyers and hand them out stating that I was going to publicly play my xbox for 20-45 minutes in Berago Springs and that booze would be 4-8 dollars a drink and there was a door charge of $10 no one would fucking show up, and I wouldn't expect them to because thats insane.
But anywhoo I want to do something with my life and be somebody but I really feel like its a battle I am losing ground on more and more every day. I really don't know what to do differently. I don't expect the world handed to me on a silver platter but I would like the chance to take it over. Not much of a conclusion paragraph but I don't generally write this much about the feelings the few marbles I have left create when the bang together.
I think that I am stuck in a cycle, and it is the same one that I have been stuck in since I was 17. All I really do is try and work or get depressed and do nothing all week then go get fucked up on Friday possible the rest of the weekend then go back to the same shit I did last week. I really want to break free of it but I really don't know how. Its a different world now then even 4 years ago, and I just feel like its conspiring against me to try and keep me in this rut that I seem to have turned into a large pit. I really think that being unemployed is killing me on the inside. I can have all the goals and dreams I can think up but in reality none of them will come true without money.
I think that that is a lot of where my paranoia towards people comes from these days too. Money is something that I have so little of yet everyone seems to want it all. Especially being friends with musicians, it seems to be a very predatory relationship. Somewhere along the way the line between fan and friend became the same thing. I do not for the life of me understand how someone can view me as morally obligated to go support their band because I am their friend. If I were to make up flyers and hand them out stating that I was going to publicly play my xbox for 20-45 minutes in Berago Springs and that booze would be 4-8 dollars a drink and there was a door charge of $10 no one would fucking show up, and I wouldn't expect them to because thats insane.
But anywhoo I want to do something with my life and be somebody but I really feel like its a battle I am losing ground on more and more every day. I really don't know what to do differently. I don't expect the world handed to me on a silver platter but I would like the chance to take it over. Not much of a conclusion paragraph but I don't generally write this much about the feelings the few marbles I have left create when the bang together.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
mile1423:
I don't hate you 
mandajune:
<3